Iraq: In what has taken all the counter terrorism experts around the world by surprise, notorious terror outfit ISIS has uploaded a map (see right) depicting Kerala as part of its Caliphate. This comes days after ISIS had released a map depicting the territories currently under its control.
In a bold move, part time Faking News correspondent and world’s best journalist Dr. Ved Pratap Vaidik managed to land at a remote location near the Iraq-Syria border and secure an interview with senior ISIS commander Ibu Hatela-bin-Khayega Kela.
Here are a few excerpts from the interview:
Ved Pratap: Assalam Waleikoum. Thank you for taking time out from your busy schedule for this interview.
Ibu Hatela: Waleikoum Assalam. But before we begin the interview, can I ask how the hell did you manage to land in the middle of a conflict zone and find us? And where is your notepad and pen?
VP: I AM A JOURNALIST AND I CAN GO ANYWHERE!!!!
IH: Yo. Relax Bro!! This isn’t Times Now and I am not Arnab.
VP: And I have been taking interviews for 40 years and have never used a recording device. My brain works faster than a supercomputer.
IH: So, you are Chacha Choudhary?? Big Fan!!!
VP: Ahem.. Lets get down to the serious business. Why did you choose a peaceful and secular state like Kerala as part of the Caliphate? Surely there are other states in India which are more aligned to your ideology?
IH: Yes you are right. There are several states in India where radical ideology have made their foray, for e.g. J&K, UP etc. However, in the end, it was all about logistics.
VP: Logistics? Could you please elaborate?
IH: Well, ours is a more demanding curriculum and requires hours of indoctrination and brain-washing. In order to maintain the high levels of quality, we have set up finishing schools all across friendly countries in the Middle East like Saudi Arabia and Qatar, who are also our biggest financial sponsors. We prefer all our inductees to be trained in these schools. From basic back of the envelope calculations, around 30% of male population of Kerala are already in the Middle East. So, transporting them to our schools becomes much easier and more cost effective. After all, be it corporate world or terrorism, its all about the bottomline.
VP: Fair Enough. What is the success rate of indoctrination?
IH: These figures are highly confidential. We are already in competition with Al Qaeda and other recruitment agencies. So, we cannot reveal these figures publicly. But, in our industry, high conversion factor is not mandatory. Just one or two nut-cases are needed to spread our agenda. The % utilization of resources in our domain is always in high 90s.
VP: So, how do you lure them?
IH: Keralites are a tough nut to crack. They are usually educated and extremely difficult to brain-wash. Plus they have this god-awful habit of forming unions and organizing what they call harthals. But for the mental cases who decide join us, a combination of gold and 72 vigins (terms and conditions apply) is more than enough. After all, they have been brought up on a regular diet of gold chains and Silk Smitha, Reshma etc. (laughs). Additionally, we offer free visa-on-arrival facility to our joiners for all the Gulf countries. These are quite lucrative perks by industry standards.
VP: Are you happy with the progress of your subsidiary in Kerala?
IH: Yes, the leadership is quite happy with their progress. This is why we have officially made Kerala a part of our Caliphate.
VP: Could you please enumerate their achievements?
IH: Our subsidiary’s first intervention was against a college lecturer who dared to ask inappropriate questions in a University Exam. Emboldened by the lack of spine shown by the moderates and the law and order machinery, we embarked on a few other projects including legalizing child marriages for Muslims and setting up of ‘Secular’ bodies such as the ASSHOLE. These bodies recently got the National Song and a Hindu gesture banned from a school play on Independence Day, no less. We got employers to put up job openings only for certain communities. We have also protested against WhatsApp which resulted in addition of a new ‘Aadaab’ emoji. Through the pressure put by these bodies, we recently got the Kerala State Government to impose prohibition in the State, even though alcohol sales contributed to more than 1/5th of the state revenue. Next we will push for the imposition of Sharia Law and Jazia for non-believers. Given the speed at which things have been progressing, I am sure Kerala will be fully integrated with the Caliphate in no time at all, Inshallah.
VP: Looks like you have a lot on your plate this coming months. All the best with your plans.
IH: Thanks. Next time you will be interviewing me from Kochi. Hahaha…
VP: LOL. Peace Out m/.