Wednesday, 21st March, 2018

UN report on Indian elections

16, Apr 2014 By theseriousguy

Whom should you vote for ? Keep reading what the UN General Council has to say about India’s General Elections!

For those who aren’t really meddling into the politics of this General Election (Read Alia Bhatt fans), it is important to let you all know about the most important men in the entire Universe. For they alone(with the help of 9839 other ministries), shall take India to great heights and beyond. So let me, an enormously dumb, a little under paid AAP/BJP/Congress agent tell you the great fiction if the 21st Century.

Who is Mr. Modi ?

Born of Virgin birth, Mr. Modi was born into this world after only 3 months of pregnancy. Amazed by this act of wonder, the doctors have since claimed him as a ‘Extraordinary development oriented man’, a name which has, since then stuck with him. His knack for Economics was so developed that even his bathroom Dumps were financially efficient saving precious litres of Water in flushing, which were then used in preventing droughts in Rann of Kachch.

This soon to-be India’s PM then went on to work his young childhood days in a Tea Shop(The Tea-Shop went on to become Starbucks, but that is a different story)Impressed by his vision for everything wrong, he decided to join BJP, an event which finally caused Indira Gandhi to put an end to The Emergency.

True to his Superman ways, he then rose up meteorically in the ranks of BJP to become the Gujarat CM. Since then he has done enormous amounts of developments, including(but not limited to) opening a whooping 327 IIPM campuses and 28437 Amity Noida college branches spanning the entire secular span of Gujarat. Then he focussed on improving the lives of women, making them so safe, that no men has sex in Gujarat, making it a ‘Dry state’. People have also insinuated that the BJP manifesto promises to improve the financial woes of not just India but Greece as well. Some other features of recent developments to come in Gujarat include: 1.-Nukkad Airports for every village. 2.-Choir groups of Patriotic Buffaloes that sing Vande Mataram while giving milk. 3.-13 Zoo’s that have 275 different types of Tigers, 37 kinds of ostrichs, 3 Aliens, and a Shobha De among other things. 4.-Some people have even speculated that the locket from Harry Potter was in fact in a lake in Gujarat.

He then went to Gotham for a Summer Internship in the Batcave, where Batman himself taught him about fixing Corruption(where did you think he got his Hologram 3D technology from ?). Finding his abilities to be beyond legendary he was offered a membership in the Justice League, because of which he was unable to prevent the Godhra Riots.

So, as he soars over India in a plane funded by the hard earned money of Adani no one, people must vote for him. Unless of course you want to see Amit Shah prancing around giving comic speeches. Vote for BJP!

Who is Arvind Kejriwal?

Born as a result of the Kejriwal family filing a PIL in court due the delay in his mother’s labour, Arvind was born on the 30th of February in the ruins of Ram Mandir, an event which was presided over his holiness the Dalai Lama himself. He then went on to be consistently ranked 24th in his economically averaged class of 48.

He then went on be an IITian, helping his Kendriya Vidalaya teacher to open his own coaching scool called Bansal Classes. As an IITian who went on to become an IAS officer, he nearly won every Indian parents fantasy dream for their children. Having said that, we must admit that Kejriwal isn’t an average Indian. Why ? Because which Indian would bother so little with their daughter’s board exams ? Mr. Kejriwal did not understand that a true Indian would wait for 2019 elections so that his daughter has had enough time to compete in the most important day of her life(btw, dfoes he have a younger son too ? Because he might as well compete in 2024 elections then). Here is a snippet of conversation straight out of the Kejriwal house.

Misses Kejriwal: Aj Bittu ne bilkul bhi padhai nahi ki! Kya hoga uska ?

Arvind Kejriwal: Bittu ek Aam Ladki hai, badi cheezein nahi chahiye use!

Misses Kejriwal: Bah! Bas karo tum! Ja kar daanto usko!

Arvind Kejriwal: Achha, tum aisa karo , mera sleeping bag nikal do.

Mrs Kejriwal: Arre! Kyun ?

Arvind Kejriwal: Mein Bittu ke room ke bahar sounga aj.

Now, while he takes on the two most important issues of a his life(Elections, and Bittu’s exams) we must vote for him(unless of course you are related to Mukesh Ambani in some way). At least the entire muffler industry has picked up production due to him. With an election speech that is always, peculiarly same, Mr. Kejriwal took the Indian police to greater heights when they had to come up with ways to protect him without protecting him.

So with a fully paid WinRAR and nursing his face after another ‘BJP attack’ he’s here to sway the political scene. Vote for AAP!

Who is Rahul Gandhi?

Clearly adopted child of Misses Sonia Gandhi, the Gandhi scion’s biggest achievement to date has been his ability to be incredibly fair skinned, which, while hasn’t really helped his political graph much, has won him the hearts of millions of young Indian girls. When asked about who they would vote for this election, Pinky from Delhi had this to say “RaGa’s such a cutsie, I need to vote for him. Muaaaah! XOXO” following which she has since decided to go to Amethi.

Another important aspect of his life has been, being solely responsible for the hunger in backward UP villages where the farmers are forced to feed him dinner every 5 years

Blessed with a visionary flair, Rahul solved the much asked question “What does the fox say?” when he realised that the fox is actually a ‘Dalit from UP who wants women empowerment’. Such incidents and many more have got people hoping that someone might kill him, but the other political parties decided against doing so when they realised he was a bigger asset to them alive than dead. Some of his economic policies include 1. Establishing a Women Empowerment cell in Kerela for eradicating poverty in Assam with Salman Khan’s help. 2. Establishing “The Goat forum of India” because it could help in resolving the Kashmir issue. 3. “Shri Rajiv Gandhi Gramin Spider Man Sanyojana” where every backward kid in Pakistan will be allowed to become Spiderman for a day. 4. “Open gay Sexy Sex Day” where homosexuals can have a lot of sex, as that is all what homosexuals care about. 5.“Punish-a-blogger-day” wherein bloggers who have written satirical pieces on him will be penalised(Sorry Rahul)

So while he fiddles around with grappling issues such as oily skin, you must vote for those who brought out RTI, so that you could catch them frauding. Vote for Congress.(actually don’t, even satirically this sounds wrong)

And with that we come to the end of the PM candidates list. It is very important to vote in India, we must actively engage in political discussions because we have a lot of stake in it, so in the end I just want to say that you should-OH FUCK! There’s an IPL match going on! Gotta go ! bye 😀


PS: Btw, here’s what the UN actually said: “hmm”

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