Riyadh: In a major policy change by the Saudi government, the civil services department of the nation has decided to outsource executions to ISIS. This decision comes after no job applications for the post of eight executions were received, following the government’s advertisements for the same.
The national government had put up vacancy notices to fill the ranks of their dilapidated Death Squad after a majority of the employees in that department were admitted to mental health asylums for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that they allegedly developed after a spate of executions in the last year.
The government, who then entered into talks with the dreaded ISIS organization who specialize in designer executions, stylish decapitations and antiseptic amputations, said that they had come upon an agreement and had signed a bilateral treaty regarding the same. The details of this document have been kept classified.
Home Minister Kaatil bin Khurram voiced his disappointment at the lack of applications for the job from within the country, saying, “We have a legacy of strong justice and some years back, we would have found many takers for this glorious service. Unfortunately, western thinking has had a negative impact on our youth.” He later tweeted, “Government policy, didn’t mean it bro. #Obama”.
Anonymous sources within the government claim that a committee was also set up to explore new ways of executing people with inferences drawn from North Korea who recently had its military chief executed by way of ‘Death by anti-aircraft gun’. However, King Salamander al-Burj refused to change the old and in his own words,”classic method of execution”. Although, the committee believed it was due to US pressure on the aging monarch to not piss them off.
Jihadi John, executioner extraordinary, believed dead by coalition forces fighting the ISIS, has appeared on a video delivered to news channel Al-Kabeera stating that he will personally take charge of all Saudi Arabian executions as head of that department at his organization. He has assured quality service, timely justice and reasonable rates to his new clients. He has also offered his organization’s ‘high-quality’ services to other nations who wish to mete out such punishments.