Moscow: Russian President Vladimir Putin has expressed disappointment at Kim Jong-un’s decision to not attend the 70th anniversary of Hitler’s defeat in the Second World War. The celebrations are due to take place in Moscow on May 9 this year and although the North Korean dictator eternal leader had allegedly informed Putin that he would attend, categorically cancelled his plans on May 1.
The reason for this sudden change in plans has not been revealed by the Empire of North Korea but anonymous and now dead sources claim that borderline paranoia and chronic laziness have afflicted the great leader since he took office after his father Kim Jong-Il’s death in 2011. A constant diet of McChicken burgers and Coke and… the other coke have taken a serious toll on his health. The drugs however, are part of his medication to counter the stress that he is under, the cause being that his palace is built on top of the country’s nuclear missile silos.
In a personally worded apology letter to President Putin, President Kim expressed deep regret for not being able to enjoy Putin’s party, which is slated to be the hottest one in the world beside Tomorrowland and a Dothraki wedding this year. Here is the letter sent to Faking News by a defector who alleges to have been a close confidant of Kim and his concubine manager.
I am deeply sorry to inform you that I will not be attending the show of arms that you are going to put on display in this d***-measuring contest to try to intimidate Obama and his European friends into letting you keep Crimea and also annexing Crimea.
I already had my bags packed, my plane dusted and fuelled and sentenced two starving people to a concentration camp in preparation for my visit but I received information of a CIA plot to assassinate me using mediocre journalists and subpar humour.
Hence, my Generals, closest advisors, my horse, my crocodile, my tiger and my Dodo have pleaded with me not to leave the country at the moment. However, I assure you on the life of the translator who is typing this letter that I want to be close, very close to you.
Yours lovingly, Kim.
The revelation of this letter has caused outrage in the North Korean leadership. General Pick-ur Nosey, in a statement to state-run newspaper Propaganda Daily, stated, “This is an outrage! Private conversations between heads of states are confidential. We will reply to the publication of this letter by Hacking Faking News and test two more nuclear missiles dangerously close to the South Korean border to show condemnation for this insult.”
Meanwhile, the Russian government denies having received any communication from the North Korean dictatorship government other than the change in their leader’s plans. Kremlin spokesperson Alexei Lierovich, in a press conference, said, “President Kim has decided to barricade himself in Pyongyang until the CIA threat is assessed and North Korea will be sending another official to represent the country in his stead. We have received no other communication from them.”