Saturday, 17th March, 2018

NSA incarcerates Meth addict, claims he had ‘The Flu’

29, Nov 2013 By cortgordner

Last Wednesday, Raj Kumar was captured by agents from the United States on suspicion that the 27-year-old was a high-profile drug dealer and methamphetamine addict, because they found that he had been trying to find ways to detox from meth.  The National Security Agency also says that he may have been the leader of a major drug ring.

According to local authorities, there was very little evidence to suggest this, but the NSA Deputy Director, John Inqlis said that they found the right guy.  While Kumar had covered his tracks extremely well, his internet activity suggested otherwise.

The Hunt For Kumar

Edward Snowden’s release of NSA classified information provided a look at several programs, the ones that were likely used to track down Kumar.  According to the NSA spokesperson, they used PRISM and ‘end-to-end correlation’ to trace the meth addict’s online activity.

Kumar’s internet activity was quite revealing, as the addicted individual initiated Google searches for sleep aids, Gatorade, and Tylenol, as these are known home remedies for detoxing from methamphetamines.  This evidence, said Inqlis, was enough to catch the US agencies attention.

Not long after that, they ran a profile analysis of Kumar’s contacts on Facebook, as well as an analysis of his interests.  Apparently, Kumar was Facebook friends with an individual who received several traffic citations in the past five years.  This correlation led the NSA to believe that Kumar was involved with criminals –doing criminal activity.

Also, Kumar had taken a trip to ‘see a friend’ in Bangalore.  Another individual had been caught selling marijuana in Bangalore, at the time that Kumar had been visiting the city.  According to NSA analysis, there was a very high probability that Kumar’s friend was the drug dealer.  When asked why they weren’t able to establish a concrete connection between Kumar and the American drug dealer, named ‘Sloppy Joe’, the agency spokesperson replied,

“We think Kumar is one of those guys who is very good.  Sometimes all we can go on is coincidence.  So, we decided to bring him in.  We have a hunch that he’s been doing criminal things for a long time.  You can’t outrun the law, you know.”

Wrong Place Wrong Time

Kumar is facing major charges on selling and consuming methamphetamines.  According to sources, he completely denies all charges.

“I have no idea what on earth is going on.  One day, I have the flu, and I’m trying to buy Nyquil and Gatorade, and the next, I’m grabbed by men in ski masks, and I’m riding in a van to an airport… with the flu.  Is this about that parking ticket from Bangalore?  I thought I paid it!”

The meth addict, Kumar, claims that he was purchasing these detoxing remedies because he had the flu; a story that NSA isn’t buying.

“This is a very serious case, and we believe that Raj Kumar is running a drug ring.  All the facts are beginning to add up.  We aren’t sure just how large this drug cartel is, but we will find out soon.” Said a US Department of Justice spokesperson.

Kumar, an IT specialist of 5 years for Praxi-Con Technicians Inc., will soon stand trial in Washington DC.  His bail is likely to be set at $3 million.

Kumar Released

It appears as if Kumar will be released due to a lack of evidence that a judge called ‘severely troubling’.  The cost of the Kumar takedown was unknown, but after adding up extradition procedures, personnel, transport, and other legal expenditures, the NSA and the DoJ had likely spend about $10.7 million in tracking down the drug-addicted IT specialist.

Kumar will be released next Tuesday, and will be seeking legal action against the NSA, suing the agency for $3.7 million, according to Kumar’s attorneys.  Deputy Director Inqlis’ comment on the lawsuit stated,

“This is preposterous.  These allegations that the NSA was abusive, negligent, and wasteful are completely false.  There is no evidence to support these claims.  And, if there was, it would be classified.”

Kumar is now back in his apartment in New Delhi.  He still has the flu, but he is avoiding the use of the internet to seek home remedies, according to sources.