In a solemn ceremony this week at the Vatican, millions of Catholics were present to watch the historic event of two Pope’s permanently destroy any sanctity associated with the word ‘Saint’.
The Oxford English Dictionary confirmed that the definition has been expanded as follows –
Saint (noun): a person acknowledged as holy or virtuous, despite being involved in the hideously immoral cover-up of rampant child sex abuse to protect the brand image of the world’s biggest multinational corporation.
Pope Francis performed the canonization of his two predecessors. He praised them both for tirelessly working in the service of the people who needed help the most – namely, the hundreds of pedophile bishops and pastors across the globe who had to be shielded from the cops.
Pope Benedict, the other living Pope, had famously retired early from his job last year to spend more time with other people’s children.
According to the Church, there were four Pope’s (two alive, two dead but present in spirit) in attendance but it’s a hard claim to verify since only two of them showed up in the post-event Papal selfie.
Four Popes in a room sounds like a dream come true, if you are a devoted Catholic. Or a nightmare from a Stephen King novel, if you are an altar boy.
Appropriately, Catholic celebrities like Robert Mugabe and Silvio Berlusconi were present to oversee proceedings. Mugabe has the distinction of killing more people in Africa than the Church’s no-condom policy while Berlusconi has had as much sex with minors as the average Bishop in Warsaw or Milan.
Atheists universally mocked the ‘sainthood’ ceremony for the cruel joke it was before eagerly tuning in to watch Woody Allen being conferred his Lifetime Achievement Award at the Oscars.