Prague – In the face of daunting international pressure over its alleged nuclear program, Iran has finally gained a long awaited victory in the waters on the southern most part of the globe: Antarctica. The stunning Iranian naval victory was achieved yesterday evening at 1:00AM GMT, while most of the world was asleep.
According to Iranian government officials, the Antarctic navy launched an unprovoked attack against an Iranian frigate last week, firing a sustained barrage against the vessel. The only eyewitnesses of this attack were aboard the Iranian ship, and the Antarctic vessel is yet to be found.
“Our navy is glorious. It is capable and fierce! We’ve struck a great blow against the Great Icy Satan, and the other nations should shake in fear of our navy,” said Defense Minister Hossein Dehghan about yesterday’s naval victory.
When asked why there were no enemy vessels to be found, and all eyewitnesses to the naval battle have been silenced, bribed or accidentally/unfortunately killed while shaving, the minister said, “This is irrelevant! The world scoffs at our navy, but they will now shake in fear of it.”
A Farce or a Real Battle? Yes.
Not everyone in the international community believes that this battle did, in fact, occur. “While I don’t like to offend my friends in the Middle East, I don’t believe that Antarctica has a navy. Actually, if my elementary education serves me correctly, I don’t think Antarctica is a country,” said a UN Security Council spokesperson.
U.S. President Barack Obama made a call to Tehran and spoke with President Hassan Rouhani, congratulating him for the recent naval victory. “These are times of war,” said Obama. “It’s good to know that someone’s winning a war.”
Other proof that a naval battle did, in fact, take place is 3 Iranian frigates and 2 support vessels never made it out of the action. At this time, Iran confirms the costly victory, lamenting that much of its naval hardware is at the bottom of the frozen sea. Their claim is that Antarctic missiles sunk their vessels.
However, there were eyewitnesses who watched the Iranian vessels sink. In a satellite phone interview with the Guardian, the captain of a fishing boat said that they saw the whole situation and were astounded. “They simply kept crashing into icebergs, and the ships went down one after another. The Iranians were just firing in all kinds of directions, but we couldn’t see any other ships.”
The fishing boat crew has unfortunately perished at sea. An Iranian patrol boat crew saw the unfortunate event take place, as the fishing boat sustained attack after attack from killer whales. None survived.
Several marine biology college programs have denied that it is possible for orcas to attack and bring down a seaworthy vessel; however, “Lots of weird things have been happening near Antarctica these days,” said Professor John Canaan from the Zimbabwe University Marine Biology Department.
Mushrooms and the Sea
“We all fought bravely that day,” said Iranian frigate captain Omar Kalif. “I think it’s the new food that the navy is giving us.”
The recent changes in the Iranian navy’s menu are subtle; however, some are saying that it could have been the reason that they won the battle. Iran’s naval leadership decided to purchase mass quantities of mushrooms from a supplier in Alabama in the United States.
“We decided that portabella mushrooms were becoming too expensive, so we purchased a new brand called ‘magic mushrooms,’ and we’ve been winning naval battles in the Antarctic ever since,” said the defense minister. “We believe these mushrooms to be a super food of some kind, and we are currently in the process of studying the new mushrooms’ effects.
“Until we find out just how these mushrooms work, we will continue to decimate the evil Antarctic navy of vampire-clown snow monsters. These creatures have no place on earth, and we do this for all humanity. The world will thank us,” said minister Dehghan.