Friday, 23rd March, 2018

Investors urge NSA to tap Bernanke’s phone

01, Nov 2013 By nigelwest

In a dramatic turn of the tables, investors across the globe have urged the USA’s National Security Agency to tap rogue Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke’s phone in order to find out exactly when he plans to scale back his massive bond buying scheme.

After yet another vague statement from the Federal Open Market Committee, analysts, traders and journalists have banded together in an attempt to resolve the situation. Such clandestine methods of acquiring information have been heavily criticised in recent months, but this group of incensed economists believe that the NSA can renounce their ways and become a force for good, by unearthing details of Bernanke’s diabolical machinations.

Those that are most concerned with Bernanke’s exceptional ambiguity are in emerging markets such as India, Indonesia and Malaysia. When Bernanke does decide to stop his easy money policy, they could see catastrophic capital outflows. Many believe that Bernanke is simply biding his time, and will strike when the markets least expect it.

One unnamed source claimed that he was “sick of being on edge about the whole situation. We expect something more each time the minutes are released, and we’re constantly disappointed. All we ever get is a nebulous narrative of how developments are reliant on data, but it never materialises.”

This has led to widespread speculation that Janet Yellen, due to take over from Bernanke in 2014, is in fact a NSA mole, and that the organisation is already at work. Others have postulated that Yellen is herself one of Bernake’s henchmen, and that this shroud of obscurity will continue for some time to come.

We’ll keep you updated on the situation as it unfolds.