In a rare example of solidarity, the UPA government in India has received tremendous support from the Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) in launching an attack on the US authorities who spot-arrested Indian diplomat Devyani Khobragade.
The parties have together announced that if the diplomat is eventually proved guilty, the US will have to make special provisions for her in prison, in keeping with her professional stature.
“The behaviour of the US authorities is a case of unprecedented humiliation, a debilitating national insult and an unpardonable breach of the unspoken code of conduct on Very Important People,” said a furious Meenakshi Lekhi on behalf of the saffron party.
“Back home in India, VIPs are treated like royalty. We source their drinking water from the Swiss Alps, we sanitize airports before their arrival, and we ensure all their meals are made with organic ingredients grown using bacteria-free bio gas. Why, if you look carefully, you will spot a distinct halo on their heads as proof of their mortal superiority! VIPs are direct descendants of Lord Ram, and must be treated with reverence.”
Ms Lekhi has cried herself hoarse citing human rights violation, because the diplomat was lodged in a cell with drug addicts. She says, “To imprison a potential criminal with other criminals is just not done! In India, we don’t even drink water at the homes of the low-class. Here, you’ve kept Ms Khobragade in the same space as drug addicts! That’s worse than calling someone a homosexual. What will we do if, God forbid, she’s contracted AIDS or something?!”
Ms Lekhi has put together a list of conditions which she feels the UPA must forward to the concerned US authorities. “In the unfortunate case that Ms Khobragade is convicted, the US prison authorities must absolutely take certain steps to ensure her sanctity is maintained.” The recommendations are:
- A conch must be sounded at a predetermined auspicious hour, just before the diplomat steps, right foot first, into the prison. Should a conch shell not be easily available, a vuvuzela will do.
- The space the diplomat will occupy must first be sprinkled with a concoction of sandalwood water + gulaabjal. This purification must be done at the hands of a heterosexual, teetotaller male whose wife must not be menstruating at the moment.
- The diplomat will not share space with homosexuals, bisexuals or any-other-sexuals. She will also not be required to make contact with drug addicts, prostitutes, rapists or murderers. None of those things happen in India, so this would be too affronting for an Indian to bear. Also, no homosexuals – did I say that already?
- The diplomat must be provided with a personal assistant and a maid – whose salaries will be borne by the Indian UPA government.
The BJP plans to hand Ms Lekhi’s recommendations to a UPA member today in Parliament. The list will then be forwarded to Mr Digvijaya Singh to incorporate his expert comments before it is dispatched to the US authorities.
In the meanwhile, the Indian government has recommended that Ms Khobragade undergo a complete medical check-up for early detection of any possible ailment she may have contracted from her stint in prison with the drug addicts.
“If need be, we will dispatch our yoga guru Baba Ramdev to the US via chartered flight, so that he can teach our diplomat the art of anulom-vilom and other breathing techniques. These will help her hold her breath if she’s made to keep such toxic company in jail again,” Ms Lekhi concluded.