Friday, 24th November, 2017

Controversy over Olympic torch disaster

28, Dec 2013 By cortgordner

Moscow – The International Olympic Committee is not releasing the name of the Olympic carrier who lost the torch on his way through Syzran, Russia last week.  The current whereabouts of the torch are unknown. However, it is known that the runner will not be competing in the 2014 Olympics due to his injuries.

Allegedly, the carrier was ahead of schedule at the time of the incident.  As he was running alongside the Saratov Reservoir, he lost his footing, and plunged roughly 20 feet into the water.  Interestingly, this is not the only version of the story.

Other sources claim the name of the carrier is Yuri Ivanov, a Syzran native, was running along the steep reservoir bank on his torch route.  Ivanov received a Facebook notification on his smartphone, which was an alert of a recently made ‘Grumpy Cat’ meme.  As he ran, he attempted to read the meme while carrying the torch.  According to Ivanov’s Facebook page, the meme likely read,

“I purred once.  It was awful.”  The torch carrier began to laugh.

Unfortunately, Ivanov might have overestimated his ability to multitask, because he was allegedly hit by a 1984 ZAZ Zaporozhets, which sent him falling into the Saratov Resevoir with the torch.  This story more closely coincides with eyewitness statements that have been compiled by local media.  The IOC is adamantly denying this story.

An Attempted Cover-Up

According to unnamed sources inside the IOC, there was a fairly large cover-up employed to keep the press from finding out about the Syzran incident.  This attempt may have failed, however, due to logistical problems.

Because the Olympic Flame must originate from Greece, the IOC decided to send a newly lit torch via UPS.  UPS has also declined to give comment.

Reuters has recently received word that the UPS truck carrying the torch from Greece to Sochi has been lost.  Only the upper leadership of the IOC knew the tracking number of the torch’s package, and it appears as though the truck has completely vanished.

Some believe there may have been a correlation between the lost torch and a UPS truck that was recently found in flames outside Moscow.  The driver of the truck was uncertain of the origin of the fire, but was able to escape the flames quickly.  The driver is safe, and was only moderately injured from smoke inhalation.

“This is why shipping dangerous things that catch fire is such a bad idea,” the driver shared.

A local private investigator, using advanced arson construction management software, claims the ignition source had already been burning inside the truck.  UPS believes the IOC’s suspicious package may have been the cause of the fire, and is suing them for damages.

GPS Mishap

At this time, the location of the Olympic flame is still unknown.  So far, one torch is allegedly at the bottom of the Saratov and another was destroyed in a UPS truck fire.  However, there have been rumblings of another torch that was sent from Greece by the IOC.

It is believed that the IOC sent another runner, dropping him off in southern Russia.  The name of the town and the route the torch was supposed to take remains undisclosed –until the torch carrier reaches Moscow.

It has been several weeks, and the carrier has not yet turned up.  Several members of the IOC are growing concerned with how the situation is progressing.  Because there was difficulty getting torch carriers to sign up on short notice, an IOC official was forced to send his directionally challenged nephew with a handheld GPS unit. “I think he should be ok.  He can usually find his way with his Tom Tom.  Though, I haven’t updated it in 5 years, so I’m growing a little nervous,” said the IOC official, who was unwilling to provide her name.

The torch is still yet to be found.

[Update: The Olympic Torch was found in Oslo, Norway, being carried by a hysterical male in his early 30s.  The police were originally going to arrest the man for possession of a weapon, until they realized the object was, in fact, the Olympic torch.

The man was visibly disoriented, his shoes were tattered, and his clothing appeared to have not been washed in weeks.  At this time, the man has been released from jail, and committed to a mental health facility.

Though the identity of the man is unknown, he is unable to stop repeating the words: “When possible, make a legal u-turn.”]