Britain’s Daily Express newspaper have got sick of their old hobbyhorses, so now they are turning the turrets of their ‘achingly radical and enlightened social critique’ on other targets.
Never mind foreigners and immigrants. I’m bored of criticising them.
No, you know what I can’t stand?
Yes, that’s right… just sickening, aren’t they?
No, no, don’t misunderstand me. Ugly people; no, it’s not a racist thing, eugenics is a bit old hat nowadays.
No, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s not about genetics, it’s merely the culture of ugly people that we can’t stand.
I mean, Britain is well known for its ancient rights and privileges.
You know, like (for example) being able to follow the indigenous English custom of being entitled to be governed by handsome, dashing, knights-in-shining-scalp-wax…
Like Winston Churchill, Margaret Thatcher, and last and pretty much least, Sir Michael Foot.
Yes. The country simply cannot be expected to assimilate any more ugly Italian footballers, French models, American film actresses or Australian soap actors.
Erm, do excuse me, our thriving culture of having elegant, sophisticated leaders that are more Phil Mitchell than Philip of Spain, or more Kevin Webster than Noah Webster…
Well, this is what we need to preserve, no matter what the cost.
Also, we are just sick of NHS spongers in permanent vegetative state who waste all of our precious taxpayer’s money.
I mean, they are obviously on the take, aren’t they?
Well, why don’t they do something constructive and make a better contribution to society, instead of lying flat on their back, expecting you and me to pick up the tab for their bone idle, lazy attitude?
Oh, by the way, as regards getting rid of those types… we got ourself a great little classical literary allusion there!
Hm! Talk about the utter soul of artistic pretension! H.G. Wells, anyone?
Ha! You see? Can’t say we’re not the paper of the intellectual working man, can you?!
The Express’s notable rivals, the Daily Mail weren’t impressed.
One columnist sneered:
Ha! Trust the Daily Express to come up with highfalutin, pompous ideas that the common, average, salt-of-the-earth man in the street can’t identify with.
Well, guess what? For now, we’re sticking with our usual sensationalism about Near-Estonian rabbit-picklers, East Korean kitten-pickers and unaccountable puppy-basket-stealing bureaucrats from Bucharest.
Yes, that’s right! You always have to give the common pleb what he wants. Not like those bigoted, swan-munching, elitist intellectual types at the Daily Express!