Friday, 21st July, 2017

Al Qaeda makes policy change; driving license mandatory now

20, Jun 2017 By funkaar

Faced with an existential crisis, the Al Qaeda terror group has made a fresh attempt to regain lost ground from competitors like ISIS. According to a press release issued by the reclusive outfit, they have recruited a new HR head- Abu Yahya, formerly from ISIS. His mandate is to re-energize the organization and write headlines again. This approach is ironically inspired by Barrack Obama’s quote, “Change will not come if we wait for some other person or time. We are the ones we have been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” Abu Yahya also stressed that Al Qaeda will evolve and become the Recruiter of Choice for all terror aspirants.

Ready for the test
Ready for the test

The communique announced a slew of initiatives to achieve that goal.

  1. Screening rounds to be introduced before Al Qaeda induction. Applicants must have a valid international driving license. Those with a US, UK, Schengen visa to be given preference.
  2. Comprehensive life insurance for all recruits, with disability cover. In case of death, recruitment transfer option to next of kin.
  3. Shooting simulation exercises to be conducted by daily training on Counter Strike and Call of Duty.
  4. Other skill enhancement programs to be conducted periodically. These will be offered with the help of ISI Pakistan, at their state of art campuses.
  5. In house talent development program with deputations to global offices, which will provide international exposure to promising recruits.
  6. Annual LTA allowance for hometown travel. Recruits to be provided 2 weeks leave with tickets on Virgin Airlines.

The leadership is confident that these initiatives will once more, make Al Qaeda a preferred recruiter among aspirants. “We were losing sheen of late. But now we will reclaim our position as the pre-eminent terror organization.” News of the proposed changes has already caused a flutter among rival factions, with ISIS chief Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi calling Al Qaeda “a spent force”. Abu Yahya is unfazed. His team has already proposed a case study collaboration with Harvard Business Review, to evaluate the impact on the organization’s morale post these changes.