San Francisco. Al-Baghdadi, the supreme leader of the environmental activist group ISIS is to be awarded the prestigious “green Nobel” Prize for 2014, the organization declared here in a press conference.
“Typically we award it to six individuals from six continents but this year it is different,” said the organization’s spokesperson explaining the marked shift away from the tradition, “The work done by Baghdadi is so profound that we just decided to give him all the money set aside for six people.”
ISIS is tirelessly working for the environmental causes in various areas of Syria and Iraq, even at times that means taking on the oppressive state machinery. “See, our goal is to get back to the carbon emission levels in the 7th century,” claimed ISIS spokesman, “This means getting population back to the 7th century levels, phasing out science and technology in a sustainable manner.”
Our reporters were impressed to see the results these men are achieving. Last week hundreds of Yazidis, threatening the fragile mountain ecosystem of mount Sinjar, were terminated and more will be in the days to come. “These creatures were disturbing the equilibrium in the surroundings with numerous activities such as respiration and excretion. Relocating them or taxing them with Jizya was another option, but that would just mean running away from responsibility. Why shall we burden our future generations with this problem? Here at ISIS, we are committed to the long term solutions“.
What does Al-Baghdadi plan to do with a million dollars of no-strings-attached money that he will receive? A brief chat with him revealed the man’s vision. “With all the talk of mindless growth by the fascist government, India is the most vulnerable to the environmental destruction. As a starter, our plan is to invest this award money in the pristine paradise that is Kashmir to reverse this trend. If the movement succeeds there, we will roll it out to the rest of the states,” said Baghdadi.
To this end, ISIS have declared an internship program. Under this, the youth will be assigned various activities such as putting an end to the destruction caused by various Hindu pilgrimages, driving out non-green populace to reduce emissions, etc. More specifics will be revealed in the online application, which will be available next week.
This news is expected to bring some relief to Kashmir valley where unemployment is rampant. “This is exactly the kind of job I was looking for. I wish to learn from experienced activists and hone my skills of cleaning up the surroundings of all the pollutants. The idea is to go a level above from the cleansing done two decade ago,” expressed an excited young boy wearing ISIS T-shirt.
The people have already started working on their resumes. The youth is taking selfies with ISIS flags. Konsar Nag yatra was successfully halted, where forty Hindu pilgrims dangerously came close to destroying the environment. “We not only have successfully thwarted the possible environmental disaster, but also have built a structure to protect the site. Now, about a hundred people will inspect the site five times a day to ensure no encroachments are happening,” explained an internship aspirant.
The intellectuals, who have always been vocal about the trail of destruction left by the Amarnath pilgrims, expressed immense satisfaction over Baghdadi’s grand plans.
“We plan to start a signature campaign pleading Baghdadi to counter the tyranny of the Indian state in the other parts of the country as well,” claimed a self-proclaimed expert on everything, Arundhati Roy.