In a ground breaking achievement, the scientists of Netaji Institute of Communal Research have invented what they call “Communal Harmony Vulnerability Meter”, a device that could detect the possibility of a communal tension in an area due to demolition of a wall, organization of some Yatra, or due to someone eating a samosa while others are fasting.
“The device is very efficient and is very reliable. Crores of rupees have been spent on the making of this device which is basically the reason why UP Govt is defaulting on payment of the free laptops” said Dr Manikankar Iyer, the head of the group of scientists who were involved in this project.
On asking how it worked, Dr Iyer explained that this device takes into account the event, personalities associated with the event (like an IAS, maulavi or saint),the will of the Netaji and when required, the will of the mafia, and then produces a result which describes the situation in 5 categories, a) Less than 10% votes b) 10-50% votes c) 50-60% d) 60-80% e) more than 80% votes.
He also made it clear that 5th category with maximum votes was to be interpreted as most damaging to the communal harmony and it declined as the number of votes declined. “We were going to have the scale in the range 1 to 5 but as Netaji suggested, some people give no value to 5 as they give to 500 or 5000 so we had to form a new scale” Dr Manikankar Iyer added.
When our reporter asked his final question that whether this device was unbiased and treated all religions equally, Dr Iyer’s face turned tense and he replied “God helps those who help themselves”. All the reporters were left puzzled and before giving a clarification, Dr Iyer left.
The political parties have a mixed reaction on this invention. While the BJP leaders looked visibly sad, Congress party workers started distributing sweets (as if RG had passed a correspondence course). Congress President Sonia Gandhi claimed it was yet another achievement of UP(A) and Prime Minister replied “Theek Hai” when asked how was the new device by our reporter. Comments from Manish Tewari were also taken but could not be understood by our reporter who is poor in English language.
But Samajwadi Party leaders are on cloud nine. An SP worker told us that as soon as Netaji received the news, he started the Gangnam style dance and did it better than Bhajji or Gayle. After that he took his bicycle and started touring the area singing the famous Bollywood song, aaj mai upar, aasma neeche. When our reporter asked Netaji for his verbal response he said, “Ye dharm-nirapekshta ki jeet hai (this is a victory of secularism). This device will give us scientific evidence for our actions and we can finally relieve our leaders from answering the press who in most cases make it worse”
It is not clear what Netaji will do next, but we have information from reliable sources that he has asked the scientists to modify the device which can finally provide a proof that he is the most secular person of India, even more than Nitish Kumar, his arch rival for the race of next PM. The team’s response however did not please Netaji as the sources told us.