“An interview with conspiracy theorist” is a newly launched series of interviews with conspiracy theorists across the world. This series numbered #1 is an interview of Tim Jones, famous conspiracy theorist.
Mumbai: Tim Jones, the famous conspiracy theorist, had been in the city this week for attending a book launch function. We got a chance to interview him and get to know about his latest conspiracy theories.
Faking News (FN) : Hello Tim and Welcome to India. Hope you have a nice time here.
Tim Jones (TJ) : Yes. Awesome place. When I landed here, I was searching for snake charmers but couldn’t find them and so, I was panicked that I took wrong flight. Haha!
FN: That’s not funny! You said you will reveal your latest conspiracy theory on Apple Inc, which is sure to shatter the dreams of Tim Cook and bring down the sales of iPhone6. What is that?
TJ: None of the newspapers actually wanted to hear about my theories. So let me reveal it to you guys. Apple Inc, whose products are iOs, iPod, iPhone and iPad, controls the whole universe.
FN: (gasps in shock) What? How?
TJ: See. Let us start from Steve Jobs first. The fact is he is not founder of Apple Inc. He is just someone who brought it from the underground to surface. He removed the barrier between the invisible and visible. Do you know that Steve Jobs visited India during 70s? During that period, he encountered the Apple clan, which was living in the midst of dense forest, unnoticable by even any high technology back-then. The Apple clan was dwindling and there was not much support from any of the religious lots, which kept on persecuting them in one form or another. They were unable to control any regimes and the growing US and Russia made it impossible for them to exert their influence. It was at that time they found young Jobs roaming in the forest. Upon their direction, Jobs decided to build computers, bring in UI, make mobile phones to control the humans and world. Do you know that Internet along with massive proliferation of Personal computers and mobile phones enabled in successful control of people?
FN: But, we never heard of Apple clan?
TJ: Have you heard of Illuminati?
FN: Yes. A secret organisation composed of intellectuals.
TJ: It was actually Apple clan operating in secret in 18th century. They had named it iLluminati. They called themselves iNtellectuals. See the ‘i’ prefixed. They called outsiders as iGnorants and vowed to be iNtolerant to iGnorants.
FN: Why did they end up India then?
TJ: Because, it was their origin. Why it was named India and not Bharat? iNdia.
FN: (shouts in shock) What the..?
TJ: Ever heard of the Ikshvaku dynasty? The first kingdom that is said to have descended from the Hindu god Brahma. That was actually iKshvaku. This point was added by my Indian friend Swamy when I spoke with him regarding this. According to him, Apple clan descended from iKshvaku and hence every Apple clan member is a Hindu.
FN: What about Iran, Iraq, Israel and Ireland then?
TJ: Think about it. Whom do you hear in news most of the time in the past two centuries? iRish terrorists, iRaqi terrorists, iRanian Revolutionary guards, iSraeli occupation. Ever guessed that they were infact products of Apple. Who were considered to have lived an excellent civilization in America before Europeans went there? iNca.
FN: So, do you mean to say that ISIS is not Islamic state of Iraq and Syria, but iSis?
TJ: Exactly, since that version of Apple product is in Arabic, read the founder name from right to left. Abu bakr al Baghdadi becomes iDadhgab la rkab uba. Another Apple product to avenge the christian population who distrust the iOs and iraqis who do not have money to buy an iPhone.
FN: We never had such an idea.
TJ: Idea. It is actually iDea. The concept of iDea originated from the Apple clan.
TJ: iNcredible. iNnovation. iNvention. iNternet. iNdependence. All these terms that revolutionised our world and took humans to higher levels, were infact products of the Apple clan. Apple controlled the whole world by urging particular section of people to ask for iNdependence and bringing down the regimes that were considered a threat to their existence.
FN: But, why didn’t they show themselves to the world before?
TJ: They were persecuted everywhere. People in Middle east saw them as Magi, that is, iGam (which is their magic product). You know how magis were persecuted. Later religions called them Infidels, a derivative of iNfidel (their hate ideology for any outsider). Since, they brought revolutionary products in a hidden manner, their mode of production gave way to the term iMplicit. The Christians were so jealous of Apple clan, that they made apple fruit as main reason for fall of humans from Eden. Actually, it was just a fruit in Genesis, but they turned it into Apple, so that anyone associated with Apple can be persecuted with that reason. Not only that, they told the ill patients that “Meeting an apple clan member a day, keeps the doctor away from treating them” which came from the history of treating people who are considered friends of Apple clan.
FN: Uh oh! So sad.
TJ: But the Apple clan went on to reveal the secrets of universe to people who they identified close to their own. Actually, iSaac Newton did not got hold of Gravity concept, when apple fell on his head. What happened really was an Apple clan member introduced the concept of gravity into Newton’s head, but Newton in order to avoid persecution, changed the story. iNstein was also secret member of Apple clan. Their historical practise of planting iDeas into the mind of people they like is called iNception, which Nolan revealed it in his epic movie. You know about the power of iNfinity and how it amazed other mathematicians, yes, Apple clan invented iNfinity concept and that is why Apple Headquarters is in Infinite Loop.
FN: But, how did Steve Jobs enter the picture?
TJ: Steve Jobs came back to United States with his knowledge of secrets of univeser obtained from the Apple clan in India and he wanted to give them back their due recognition. He started Apple Inc, termed his products starting with ‘i’ and even kept the bitten apple as its logo as a cheeky response to control the people who tarnished Apple clan in the past. Now, iNternet controls the whole world with the help of iOs and wIndows (there are rumors that Gates stold Jobs idea). Apple clan controls the world with their iNternational framework and universe with their iSS (iNternational Space Station). Just see, how the entire world is expecting for every product launch and waits to get grab of their product, even if it is expensive. That, my friend, is controlling the universe.
FN: But, what does this ‘i’ stand for?
TJ: ‘i’ stands for I. Without me, none of these ideas or products, or even the world matters. By ‘me/i’, I mean the whole human species.
FN: Actually, I feel a little dizzy now.
TJ: Have an iCecream. By the way, time to catch an automobile with iNgine and run to my iRport to get the iRoplane.
In the next few minutes, our Faking News reporter was seen lying unconscious in a restaurant. He was last seen talking to Tim Jones, before the latter walked out.