Monday, 23rd April, 2018

Secret Diary of Virat Kohli

12, Aug 2014 By Awadhi 66A

Be******* Diary,

First of all, I want to apologies for not sharing with you my fu**** feelings for so long. You know I have been kinda busy for quite some time and could not take you with me everywhere when I go abroad, not with Raina’s nephew on the loose. Let me tell you, that guy has no sense of privacy, the other day he tweeted something really embarrassing about Jaddu. We all laughed about it because you know it was about Jaddu but imagine if he would have gotten his fu***** hands on you. Gosh, what a fu**** nightmare that would be?

I really missed you. I have been going through a rough patch lately and can’t talk to anybody about it. People say that I swear….a lot. Like, that’s fu**** true? Whenever I went to talk to Mahi he listens for a minute or two and then would walk away with his phone in hand mumbling something like ‘Srini Sir, India cement, Chennai super kings’ things like that.

Virat Kohli
Virat Kohli happy after writing a diary entry

I tried to talk to Yuvi too, he said he needed a beeper to mute the fu**** words and figure out what I really wanted to say. That broke my heart. Anushka is no option; I gotta act all tough and macho with her especially when I barely spend 3 minutes on the crease doing macho stuff with my bat. This non-form fu**** sucks. I fu**** hate this sh**. You know I was really happy when BCCi said Anushka could hang out with us. I was so fu*** happy. Little did I know It was going to be a pain in the a**. Don’t get me wrong I like her and sh*** but man, its wrong to show a man Victoria’s secret shopping bag just when he is about to go bat. This sh** fu**** up his mind, someone gotta tell her that.

You know what pained me in the whole Anderson-Jaddu sh***. Why did  Andy pick Jadeja instead of me, I mean with my batting skills going downhill the way with words is all I got now.  That bas**** snatched even that from me. One would think that with these humiliating defeats the environment in the dressing room would all be gloomy and sh*** but that’s far from the truth. We all sit there and enjoy cold drinks (the guys who endorse Pepsi, drink that and the guys who endorse coke drink coke….No messing up with brand loyalties) and Mahi keeps cracking jokes. The guy is hilarious. His joke that since we have lost the match with an inning we had 2 extra days to chill cracked us up. He made that joke to the press people too which apparently haven’t gone down well with the media and people back home. Indians really need to get humor upgrade.

Okay, gotta go now. Its always so fu*** relaxing to share something with you. Anushka is calling… Oh God let it be something about Victoria’s secret… Please…