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Riots erupt across India after the God of Cricket was insulted

10, Aug 2014 By manithan

Mumbai: Riots have erupted across India in the past few hours, claiming 99 lives and injuring the elbows of several hundreds. Though police have been pressed to action in almost all of the riot affected areas, Indian Government fears that the riots might escalate in the coming days.

Police Commissioner of Mumbai said, “Almost 54000 TV sets are said to be smashed by the rioters. Not alone TV showrooms were demolished, these miscreants had even torn down the Newshour studio. Other similar studios which had aired a particular news were smashed by the rioters from a particular community. We had to resort to shoot-at-sight, wherein we shot cricket balls targeting the rioters’ balls. Sadly, 99 were killed in such ball firing across India.” But the Commissioner refrained from indicating the reason of the riots and the identity of hostile parties.

An Extreme Sachinist displaying their “Freedom of Speech”

Off the record, one of the policeman, said, “The riots started after news channels started criticising Sachin Tendulkar. People belonging to the religion Cricket, started issuing threats to the news channels to stop insulting their God aka Sachin Tendulkar. But as the media was not deterring, they went on a rampage, smashing all the TVs and even desktops and mobiles in certain urban areas. We are in talks with that community to reduce their tension.”

According to our collated reports, the Unnamed Riots started on August 8, when several news channels started breaking the news that Sachin Tendulkar did not attend Rajya Sabha sessions as MP. Soon, many self-proclaimed experts and intelligensia appeared on various news channels and started criticising Sachin. Twitter was no exception, where people started bashing Sachin with the hashtag #TrophyMPs for not allegedly performing his duty as Rajya Sabha MP.

The tension was still simmering, until it exploded in the Newshour studio of TimesNow, wherein Arnab started criticising Sachin. Even before the show got over, riots started out in different areas across India. First to be smashed was the TV sets wherever Arnab face was getting displayed. Rioters started raiding all homes, smashing people watching Newshour or even Sooryavamsh in Set max. Next, Desktops, Laptops and Smartphones were seized and smashed. Rioters are alleged to be planning to burn all newspapers, that might print this criticism of their God.

One of the accused rioter being held in Police van, shouted in agony, “We will not allow this to happen. This is ballsphemy. They are insulting our God. They are insulting our religion. They are devils. This is the handiwork of Dravid camp or Ganguly camp. They are trying to defame our God. We will not tolerate. Sachin is great.”

Another Sachinist said, “Rajya Sabha should be blessed to have presence of God there. Do we protest if the other less powerful Gods of Hindus or Christians do not appear before us? No! But, our God even appeared in Rajya Sabha until last December. Instead of feeling blessed, these Devils are trying to spread hate and commit heresy.”

While social media was abuzz with Sachin haters going on a tweeting spree, Sachinists tried to defend their God, citing that this is conspiracy by BCCI to divert the Indian cricket fans from the poor performance of Indian Cricket team in England. But, famous journalists were still finding other reasons for this riots. Rana Ayyub tweeted, “Everything we dreaded now is a reality; the laboratory with its tested and tried formula! #SachinRiots”, hinting that RSS-VHP-BJP-Amit Shah-Mossad-CIA hand behind this riots.

Update: Many reports from the riot affected areas reveal that the death toll from the riots is struggling to cross 100 and is still stuck at 99 for more than 24 hours.