Thursday, 22nd February, 2018

RCB to open with Vijay Mallya and Anushka Sharma next season

28, May 2014 By sirishrenukumar

Following their ‘out’standing performance in IPL7 , the RCB think tank have decided to go in for a major overhaul for the next season. Come IPL8, RCB will see a fresh pairing of  “King of Good-to-Bad-to-Ugly Times” Dr Vijay Mallya and Bollywood Bangalore export “naturally gifted with plastic lips” Anuskha Sharma at the top order. Unconfirmed sources indicated that the incumbent incompetent captain Virat Kohli was the one who floated this idea and took it through execution during a post match Kingfisher models swimsuit party held to celebrate the ouster of RCB team from current IPL.

Confirmed sources however painted a different picture.  A disgruntled Kingfisher Airline employee who happened to be at the same party blew the lid. Apparently following  an expected loss,  a partially drunk and totally swearing Virat  bumped into Anushka as she walked into the party with Dr Mallya.  The gentleman that he is , Virat cheekily asked Anushka  “open karo”.  Anushka promptly replied that she is not dating him (in public) and that they were “just friends”.  Just as she was about to blow her fuse, Virat quickly recovered by clarifying that he meant the opener’s slot in RCB. Fortunately for Virat, this seemed to pacify Anushka.  Unfortunately for Virat, Dr Mallya who was within earshot interpreted Virat’s request as a signal of the return of the “good times” for him. The gentleman that he is, Dr Mallya started to unbutton promptly while humming the signature Kingfisher “O-la-lalaa  leee oooo”.  Shit-scared that he would no longer be retained in case he pissed off Dr Mallya, Virat clarified that he actually meant the opener’s slot in RCB as well.

All set to open?
All set to open?

With the 2 openers being signed up impromptu, Virat successfully lobbied for both their inclusion with the rest of the RCB team.  Dr  Mallya was considered to be a good fit since that was the best way for the team owner to feel the pressure and empathize with the team – and thus guaranteeing that RCB could be ousted from 3 more IPLs without rubbing Dr Mallya the wrong way.  Anushka was considered to be a good fit since it would help Virat to concentrate more on the field.  When this rationale did not cut much ice with the RC B team , Virat brought in Rahul Gandhi to repeat his electoral speeches about women empowerment.  After being subjected to Rahul’s speech for a painful 5 mins, the RCB team felt Virat’s original rationale was more genuine and heartfelt and hence agreed for Anushka’s inclusion.

N Srinivasan, the erstwhile BCCI president, jumped on the bandwagon and pushed for the amendment of the IPL rules to mandate the inclusion of  one female player in every south indian based IPL team with red or yellow team colors.  A related report confirmed that Rupa, N Srinivasan’s daughter, has already enrolled for “Learn batting in 33 days” course given by Venkatesh Prasad. Another related to the related report confirmed that bookies are offering odds of 1:100000 for Rupa to open the innings with her pallu wrapped over her right shoulder.

Meanwhile Dr Mallya and Anushka have adopted a “beer” and “fear” mantra respectively to handle the opposition.  Dr Mallya is training to achieve a 60 inch “beer” belly so that the opposition bowlers do not get any sight of the stumps.  His progress is being monitored by close aide and ace lensman Atul Kasbekar with a daily photoshoot of Dr Mallya in RCB team colored bikini (the snaps would eventually be sold along with the Kingfisher dairies). Anushka on her part is working with the local Darjis from Cottonpet, Bangalore to continue the work on her lips so that they can reach the perfection of the menacing smile of the The Joker and would subsequently induce “fear” in the minds of the opposition bowlers.

Looks like RCB have finally got the right combination!!