While it is an established fact that cricket is considered to be a religion by most people, this devotion was elevated to fanatical levels last night. In what is being perceived as a shocking development by everyone except Lalit Modi, the state of Rajasthan has declared war on Punjab after the former’s IPL team lost to that of the latter’s in their previous match.
Rajasthan’s Chief Minister, Vasundhara Raje, was heard saying, “We even paid them the money that they had demanded. But apparently Glen Maxwell didn’t get the message.”
There was also a mention of the Australian batsmen needing to be taught a ‘lesson that he would never forget.’ Sources reveal that a supari had been given out for him. The state belligerently stated that they had signed a valid contract with Punjab for throwing the match away. Renowned lawyer Ram Jethmalani was quick to jump to the rescue of this contract and said that the declaration of war was perfectly legal too.
The general line of argument was that if Putin’s Russia can do it then so can Raje’s Rajasthan. The Chief Minister claimed that she was an ardent feminist and believed that anything a white man could do could also be done by a woman. She announced her plans to wrestle bears and alligators next. The Government made its intentions of sending a message clear.
“If they can cheat on something as important as a contract, it only makes it easier for them to cheat in lesser relationships such as marriages. We want to put an end to this menace once and for all,” Raje remarked while dripping passion instead of sweat in a public gathering in the state’s capital.
“Several farmers have set themselves alight due to the shock of the loss,” the Government said in defence of their decision. When asked if these suicides weren’t due to their crops failing yet again, the nonchalant reply was that the Opposition was planting such rumours amongst gullible minds.
“Cricket means the world to these people. And we are willing to do anything to ensure the happiness of Rajasthanis.’ The War Manifesto also read that a part of the battle would be fought on the electronic front. ‘We’ve hired IIT-graduates to write a fresh onslaught of Santa-Banta jokes,” the Government was quoted saying. “This shit never gets old,” it added with a smirk.