21 April 2015. A bright young Girl on the faking News TV channel reports from the Cricket field.
Guys, this is your reporter Varsha Chowgule reporting from the future, April 2015 with astounding great, UNFAKED, news!
Indians have finally managed to win 3 overseas cricket series– New Zealand, Australia and hold your breath– South Africa, in one continuous burst of macho cricket. Now how the hell did this wonder happen? How did the Indians who ducked under short balls since 1915 suddenly make the Goras and into sitting ducks in 2015?
Here goes this astounding tale of astounding grit, extraordinary planning and complex intelligence. A tale the likes of which make cricketing legends like the bodyline series and the Indian WC victory of 1983.
In 2014, for once BCCI took its mind of mindless moneymaking– realizing that it has enough in black– and got in strategy managers from RAW and IB to plot the up-climbing of Indian cricket in neverlands… The focus was on immediate action and action happened !
RAW appointed Santa and Banta as its super sleuths to compromise the opponents during IPL 2014. IB got in Mungerilal as the coach. Their task was to compromise the @&### Cursing Aussies, the fit South Africans and the minions abroad- New Zealanders.
Santa in South Africa as RAW agent scratched his head and bal@** ! “In saalon ko butterchicken khilao… and sharab and rasmalai and halwa in the night…!’
RAW agent Banta intervened, “Patiala peg ji… double Patiala..”
All the South Africans were called and fed with Santa and Banta wearing dark glasses to hide their RAW origins and wearing chefs clothes got on with their mission. Santa called up Ludhiana for the heaviest dishes. Banta called up Kolkatta for the heaviest sweets.
On the very first day, the entire south African team was dancing to Daler Mehdi, their stomachs were already 3 inches puffed… and eating rasmalai…
Yuvraj, Zaheer, Dhoni and others who smelt the aroma and tried to grab their chunks and booze were shooed off.
“Chidmabaran wont like this!” Banta admonished them. And Chidambaran sets the IT and CBI after you if you don’t agree.
Hastily the Indian cricketers dropped the booze and grabbed the salad !! RAW was finally succeeding in one mission finally!
Mungerilal was working on the Australians. Every time David Warner or George Bailey opened their mouth to curse, Mungerilal put on a Aunradha Paudwal or an Anup Jalota, Bhajan.
Would IB win or the cursing Aussies who won matches by scaring opponents with Gaalis..?
Mungerilal phoned up India,”Sir I think Aussies are tough fighters, but my strategy is simple. If I break them, the New Zealanders will break too ! After all the New Zealnders are already broken once they play abroad!”
At this point, our breathless reporter Varsha Chowgule pauses. And then on the News channel we see the three teams.
When Ishant Sharma bowls a bouncer at the Aussie player, instead of cursing, he sings, ” Dost dost… na raha….”
Then in the next shot we see what happens when Mitchell Johnson runs in full gusto. he reaches the crease and jumps up….and then limply releases the ball and sings a bhajan. “Aee maalik tere bande hum…”
In the background we can see the South Africans dance the bhangra with Patiala Pegs in hand. All potbellied like my goan friends emerging from their pub in Panjim and my Punjabi relatives in Punjab.
And as for the new Zealanders, they have become followers of Swami Ramdev!!
So finally RAW and IB have scored one success story.