With the FIFA World Cup underway at socioeconomically challenged Brazil, Premier League managers and drug overlords aren’t the only ones making the most of the spectacle.
President of Geriatric Association of Action Heroes (GAAH, also the sound produced while meeting the members) and prodigal son of director Michael Bay, Sylvester Stallone has also been spotted in the rain forests of Manaus with his kitchen knife. Looking for the cast for the next installment of The Expendables, Stallone seems to have taken an interest in the goalkeepers from the teams participating in the World Cup.
Since their economy is not the only thing Spain can find in the gutters, Stallone was seen courting (ex?) boyfriend of hot news reporter and erstwhile Real Madrid captain Iker Casillas at Cafe Rio (yes, sadly it’s a real place). Casillas piqued Stallone’s interest after successfully avoiding all shots fired from a country where weed is legal. After making a player like Torres look good in an otherwise infallible Spanish side, Stallone is confident he will be an exceptional choice to stand out as lead.
Another star competing for the lead role is American mountain goat, Tim Howard. His record breaking 16 saves against a country roughly the size of Hawaii and yet eventual loss has invoked mixed emotions for Stallone, who’s barely able to express one at a time. However, Stallone claims that one cannot simply pass up on that glorious beard since Pirlo is unavailable. In related news, Hashim Amla was fired from the US football team after failing to keep a clean sheet against Belgium. Tim Howard was unavailable for comment as he was “randomly” selected by TSA for special screening on his trip back home.
14 year old Mexican Gandalf, Guillermo Ochoa, is also on board after his heroics and hairdo has caught Stallone’s eye. After completing his training at the US Border Patrol, Ochoa seems to have perfected the art of stopping an entire barrage of shots from the entire nation of Brazil and looking fantabulous at the same time. After assuming the title of Mexican Jesus, who’s also his neighbor’s son, he’s being considered for the title of Mexican Rajnikanth but is deemed too attractive. His past Bollywood experience as Kangana Ranuat’s stunt double will bolster his official acting debut.
Among others that are signing up with Stallone are timeless Italian style icon, Gianlugi Buffon, wannabe Italian mafia boss, Keylor Navas and the source of Russell Peters’ joke, M’Bohli (Tim Howard’s black twin). Nigerian chokidar Vincent
Enema Enyeama is also on board after being promised clean water and food, although it’s a concern among the crew that he will live up to his (last) name.
Whilst attracting the leads, Stallone is on the lookout for competent villains as well. Mexican coach/cheerleader and GIF sensation, Miguel Herrara has been approached for the role for his vehement displays of madness and being a Haka (Mauri war dance) practitioner. His recent turning into super-saiyan has also helped his cause. Another strong prospect for the role is serial cannibal, Luis Suarez. After inspiring performances in Jaws and Sharkando, Suarez was heard and I quote, “This will be quite a mouthful”.
Although a far cry from the usual senile cast of every Expendables movie so far, Expendables 4 looks promising with an infused vigor of youth and stellar performers. The goalkeepers will try to redeem themselves off the curse of making every match last more than 2 hours which is sixty times the average attention span of a tweeting imbecile. Expendables 4 is expected to hit the cinemas later this year and finally change the trend of monetizing mindless 90s hero nostalgia.