Monday, 23rd October, 2017

Facing heavy criticism, Kohli plans to retire and become commentator

02, Apr 2015 By Shaitaan Khopdi ™

New Delhi: Virat Kohli, the ‘Blue Eye’ boy of ‘Men in Blue’ is facing ‘Career Blues’. After Arnab Goswami and Times Now’s constant criticism on the night of semifinal defeat, Kohli is convinced that he was just an over-hyped player and should have retired gracefully after 2011 WC.

According to the sources he is shortly going to announce retirement from all forms of cricket. The decision almost sent Vijay Mallaya to Comma before Kohli clarified that he is quitting only ‘Cricket’, not IPL and will continue to lead RCB. Shaitaan Khopdi™ managed to interview him and talk about his post retirement options.

Virat Kohli
Kohli feeling good after deciding upon his retirement

Shaitaan Khopdi™: So… your decision to retire is final decision?

Virat Kohli: Kyo be? Ab tujhe isme bhi DRS review chahiye?

SK: But you are only 25, what would you do if you retire?

VK: I have decided to become commentator like Rahul Bhai and Sourav Dada.

SK: That might not be a good idea, thanks to your awesome vocabulary. Broadcasters will be mighty nervous when you will enter the commentary box.

VK: Kya bola? Teri **** ki…

SK: See that’s what I was talking about. In commentary box only those are allowed who #WontGiveItBack.

VK: I see, then I can become a judge on some reality TV show. Those are scripted. They can always edit out unwanted portions.

SK: That looks good. Which one would you like, Dance based, singing based or Cooking based show?

VK: Err… Dancing Vancing to Sreesanth aur Bhajji ko hi karne do. Do we have any cricket based reality show?

SK: You can’t be a judge and a participant on the same show.

VK: Oh yeah got it. Mind you I am the captain, not just a participant in IPL *Winks*

SK: So this one is also ruled out. Any plans to get into Bollywood? Anushka can help here.

VK: No yaar, censor board has become very strict these days. Vo Pehlaj Nihlani ki list dekhi hai? Mere sare dialogs to pehle hi ban kar diye hain ***** ne.

SK: Hey!! You can go to politics. Successful politicians give Gaalis these days. Kaminey, Haramzaade jaise words are bahut ‘aam’ ho gaye hain aajkal.

VK: Are you kidding? Going by the high standards set by Delhi, ‘Kaminey’ and ‘Haramzaade’ are just light hearted friendly banter. After playing against Aussies and giving it back to them, I cannot stoop to such low level Gaalis.

SK: Have you considered going back to Cricket. Why don’t you talk to seniors?

VK: Don’t know yaar. I asked Sachin Paaji and he suggested chewing ‘Center Fresh’ while going on field. Weird isn’t it?

SK: May be he is hinting at putting ‘Zuban pe Lagaam’ and letting your bat do all the talking. That’s what has worked for him all these year.

VK: Oh Bh*****, ye to socha hi nahi maine. Retirement cancel!!!. Mai khelega

Shaitaan Khopdi™ feeling great after convincing Kohli to play for India, wished him good luck and ended the interview.

*The idea for this article came from my brother Ashish Ratna*