Tuesday, 17th October, 2017

Europe gives fitting response to South American successes in FIFA World Cup 2014

28, Jun 2014 By Nat

Taking serious note of the stupendous success of the South Americans in the 2014 FIFA World Cup, UEFA has proposed quite a few drastic measures.  The body said that these were to secure Europe’s dominance on world football for eternity.

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The success stories of the multiple Latin American countries and the number of teams that have progressed to the second stage have sent the bosses of the various European leagues scrambling behind closed doors along with the country football bosses.

One of the first proposals was to ban all South American players from playing any league games during the European summer.  It ensures that they don’t get acclimatized to the conditions and thus under preparing them for the 2018 WC in Russia.  This way they see a strong chance of more European teams progressing beyond group stages.  The proposal though saw violent protests from Barcelona, claiming this was a Real threat possibly leading to their bankruptcy, in football and on finances.

Some member countries mooted a mandatory club championship which all non European players must participate in during the WC time, failure of which will debar them from all endorsements besides a reduction of approximately 98.8% of all fees and prize money they earn. The teams will compete for the prestigious Sell Our Souls (SOS) Cup.

Other key option being pursued is to provide financial packages to Brazil and even consider including them as part of G7, so they sell their players in return.  EU Parliament proposed a unilateral decision that all football players of Brazilian descent automatically qualify for EU citizenship in a country of their choice with a tax relief for the years they play competitive football.  In consideration to Barca’s protests, top Argentina players will also be eligible for this offer.

Some clubs went a step further and proposed that Brazil and Argentina be considered part of EU, given there is little chance that they will under perform, with or without practice. “Extended Union”, they said of their new name, claiming that there was no need to change the name.  Reactions from both countries are mixed, with politicians favoring the sell out of the team for personal profiteering, instead of joining EU which will mandate financial discipline.

The smaller countries from South America who have some star players will be given annual opportunities to quote their offer and the lowest quoted players will be allowed to play for Europe on long term lease. Given their proficiency in football or rather lack of it, Venezuela have offered to instead provide cheerleaders from their thriving beauty pageant industry.

All members unanimously also decided that preparations must not stop with 2018.  To prepare for 2022 championship to be held in Qatar, they have agreed to engage Chinese contractors to build stadiums with desert styled atmosphere, of course with Qatar bearing the costs.  These stadiums are expected to be ready with state of art deserts for inauguration during the Christmas holidays of 2014.

In a separate exercise, China has started an initiative to wean away Russia from Europe and attach to Asia, better still China.  In return China has promised to divert all its surpluses for investments in Russian infrastructure, food, health, manufacturing industry, service sector, banking, technology, nuclear arsenal, drug mafia, casinos, sex industry, politicians’ private bank accounts.