In an unforeseen act of tremendous foresight, Andoni Zubizaretta’s summer signing – Luis Suarez – has managed to unite the rival cities of Madrid and Barcelona for a common cause.
When Suarez’s transfer to Barcelona was confirmed late in June 2014, an ominous shiver went down the spine, back, neck (and other easy targets) of the Spanish Football League players. Frantic calls for action were made with special pleas coming in from Pope Francis and the Director of the World Health Organization.
The Research Directors of the Universidad Politécnica de Madrid (UPM) and Universitat de Barcelona (UB) have confirmed that they have pooled in their technical resources to develop an “Anti-Suarez bite” cure.
Speaking to our reporters, Rodrigo Garcia of UPM shared a few key hurdles in the process: “The sample space of people bitten by Suarez is very small to begin with. We cannot use them to extract clean statistics. We have sent out invitations to the involved people, requesting them to assist us in this study. Full scale laboratory experiments will begin only after we perform blood tests on Ottman Bakkal, Branislav Ivanovic and Giorgio Chiellini.”
Bela Sanchez of UB added further insight: “We tried organizing a panel discussion to invite ideas on how to develop a cure. The engineers in the panel complained that this was out of syllabus and headed out to the nearest tienda de té (Spanish for galla). One genuine fear was what would ensue if when Suarez bites Pepe. The philosophy department was asked what would happen if insatiable appetite meets inedible object. They are still working on the problem.”
We asked Machan Rodriguez, a 75-year-old Barca fan, if he thought of this research effort as an over-reaction. “Of course not. We don’t know for sure if he only bites opponents. My grandson showed me a clip where he tried to bite his Liverpool team-mate. I fully support this move by the two universities.”
With an initial budget of 15 million euros, this program has done more to promote bonhomie between the two cities than any other activity in the past. To put things in perspective, this amount is one-half the annual salary of Cristiano’s barber’s and one-third the salary of Busquets’ acting class instructor.
Shunning away all rumors that this anti-bite drug will be shared only among Real, Atletico and Barcelona, Javier Tebes (LFP President) announced that this technology will be made available to all players playing in the Spanish First Division. The news of this generosity was passed among Barcelona residents 156642 times before it was conveyed to the neighboring cities.
All of this prompts us to ask one question: If one person’s hyper-active teeth can restore peace and goodwill among bickering cities, can he really be all that bad?