Wednesday, 21st March, 2018

BCCI forces ICC to adopt cemented cricket pitches all over world with immediate effect

12, Dec 2013 By Pravs

Durban: In a major overnight development, senior officials of BCCI won a major round-table vote at the emergency ICC meeting called after Indian cricket team received humiliating drubbing at the hands of South Africa in the just concluded ODI series.

The supreme cricket board argued that the variability of pitch conditions is not good for the game and it is killing God-gifted talents as the likes of Rohit Sharma. It is reported that eventually they got stamped the adoption of Flat Cemented Pitches for any future cricket match to be played, effective immediately but not before overcoming numerous hurdles. This is how the story unfolded.

Rohit Sharma
Nohit evading at Johannesburg

To begin with, the BCCI officials humbly accepted the inability of famed Indian batting line up to handle the fiery stuff delivered to them from Steyn & Co. Though they claimed that Indian batters are in no way frightened of SA pace attack, it is just the damn pitches which are causing this mess. They told to have confessed that number of these batters are feeling stress related illness since their outing at Johannesburg.

The major selling point from BCCI came as they argued that Indian fans would not be happy at sorry conditions of their cricketing warriors after such a wonderful 2013 and they might start realizing the phony prowess of their heroes! The officials cautioned that a large cricket fan base (of course the billion plus Indians) could move their loyalties to other games like football, hockey, or even Formula racing which provide similar playing surface throughout world.

Everyone instantly realized that if Indian fans move away, how on the earth they are going to generate revenues and run the show? Everyone accepted that the average crazy Indian fan, irrespective of his current GPS location, is very much needed in scheme of things. This prognosis caused spell-like affect on even the most dissenting officials and different options were immediately discussed to remove the villainous pitch variability and once for all to standardize the cricket pitches.

To cut the story short, it has been reported that the swinging pitches of England, the bouncy pitches of Australia and SA did not qualify for unknown reasons and only the subcontinent pitches were found to be most suitable, again for unknown reasons. One of the Highest placed BCCI representative then proposed to adopt cemented pitches throughout the world, to further rule out soil, moisture, grass, some nutcase curator and other external factors.

Our highly confidential sources from ICC tell that there was a big commotion on this idea, but after BCCI issued ultimatum of pulling out of ongoing SA tour and abstain from all ICC activities, everyone had to fall in line. The only major hurdle was the maintenance of the cemented pitches which might break far too often, in fact after every match!

Again BCCI came to the rescue! They offered the services of an Indian cement company, as whole sole provider and keeper of the cemented pitches for next 25 years.  They also proposed to monetize the cricket pitches for advertisement rights on a per crack basis (err… per match basis!). There is reported big Buzz on this new monetization possibility in ICC circles. They are congratulating each other and terming this to be biggest revolution in cricketing history in recent times!

A highly placed BCCI official confirmed the development and has termed it as a big step for game of cricket, a victory for raw Indian cricketing talent and coined it as ICP – Indian Cricket Protection. One wonders if it is India Cements Presentation!!

For us true blue fans, we rejoice … with the pitch demons put to rest, India will remain Numero Uno in all formats of game. Amen! We leave you with some reactions coming in …

Rohit Sharma
Happy Nohit

Shikhar Dhawan
Happy Shikhar

Dale Steyn
Dale Steyn shocked

Ishant Sharma
Poor Ishant