Monday, 26th June, 2017

Battle royale between L.K.Advani and Rahul Gandhi for the post of Indian cricket coach, Mullah Omar also in the reckoning

01, Apr 2014 By psych0bar0n

Mumbai : Amidst breaking news that Duncan Fletcher has stepped down as India coach after being given an AAP ticket from Bhagalpur, news has emerged that many VIP candidates have applied for the glamorous job of coaching the Men in Blue.

advani_bjp
Post retirement plan.

The foremost candidate is L.K. Advani, given his experience of captaining the Lok Sabha under 90 cricket team . According to our sources, Advani’s attempt at becoming the Indian coach is his way of getting even with his party after they overlooked him for the post of ABVP president, preferring a much younger Murli Manohar Joshi.  “I have plans of a grand rath Yatra from Chinnaswamy to Kotla to raise the awareness of cricket among Hindus” blogged Mr Advani.  This has given rise to speculation that the hidden motive is to destroy the Kotla stadium and build a kabbadi ring on its ruins.

Meanwhile, news from Delhi is that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has been sending feelers to the cricket board too. He feels that the thick skin he has developed during 10 years of UPA rule can help him deal with all the muck which is hurled at the cricket coach on a daily basis. Mr Singh has also offered to assist Virat Kohli in improving his rather limited stock of Punjabi profanities.

A wildcard in the arena is Baba Ramdev. Ramdev has since long advocated that “Anulom Vilom” was the only way Indians could become world beaters. “My yoga techniques improve the body’s flexibility, especially the spine and can help our batsmen duck any bouncer with ease. Also, any injured players can be treated at the Patanjali Yogpeeth” said the Baba.

Another leading contender is Rahul Gandhi who said he will empower the wives and girlfriends of the cricketers and thus help the team attain great heights. Rahul baba has always been a fan of Virat Kohli ever since he learnt that Kohli empowers every opposition player’s mother and sister. He also pledged to include illegal betting  inside the ambit of the RTI act so that honest bookies and match fixers are not cheated of their dues.

AAP leader Arvind Kejriwal also staked claim for the top post. “If any country makes a grassy pitch, I will sit on dharna at the crease and if needed, in the dressing room too” said the AAP chief. He accused Bihar Cricket Association chief Lalu Yadav of showing favoritism towards grassy pitches and wanting to make Indian batsmen cannon fodder for the Australian bowlers.

Other probables : Unconfirmed reports say legendary method actor Uday Chopra was sounded out by the BCCI, but reportedly expressed his inability to take up this assignment because of his very busy schedule. The BCCI also considered North Korean president Kim Jong-Un for the post but decided against it after they came to know that his aerobic stamina building methods included making the players run naked among hungry dogs. Mullah Omar also was considered given his experience as coach of Afghanistan’s cricket team but skipper Dhoni is said to have scuttled this attempt after he learnt that Mullah Omar’s fielding drills included catching live grenades and dodging AK 47 bullets.

Mimes View – There is only so much coaches can do to improve a player’s performance. Idolizing great players and their centuries won’t be of much help: if the young Indian players want to reach the historical milestone of a 100 TV commercials in a day, they will have to sweat it out in the sets.