Tuesday, 19th December, 2017

Arvind Kejriwal's IPL XI

20, Feb 2014 By burmanolo

The leader of the AAP has gone bonkers. He wants to field a team for IPL 2014. His vision ; put an end to sledging, match fixing, fast bowling and all other illegal activities that hound our beautiful game. Here are some of the miscreants he has signed.

1. Ashish Nehra Hands on hips, elbows pointing to third man, teeth gnawing at his lower lip; Ashish Nehra once had the balls to call MSD ‘ maa kee !@#$’. “Give me tailender and I will bowl wides, give me a batsman and I will bowl wider,” he would say. Despite his ‘gnawing’ reputation he still claims to be India’s fastest and best death bowler of all time. Judgment shall be reserved until after his performance in IPL 2014.

2. Kamran ‘woodcutter’ Khan Khan’s promising career as a woodcutter came to a halt when Shane Warne ran into him, mistaking his proportioned behind for that of Preity Zinta’s. Hallelujah !! And he was whisked away to play for the Royals. Unfortunately Warne’s gamble was an error, and Khan is now scampering to find games in the Goa Premier League. Rumour has it; he now spends sleepless nights gasping at the escalating prices of timber.

3. Sanjay Manjrekar Manjrekar Jr. was picture perfect. Straight bat, straight back, high elbow, strong upper hand and ballet like footwork. Unfortunately for him, the hairy chested, tobacco chewing Aussie fast bowlers didn’t fancy his romance. They grinded him to pixie dust.He made his second coming as a suave commentator, with a fancy haircut and a tailored suit. Unfortunately he chose the wrong language. His commentary was less engaging than watching Smriti Irani have oral s** with a microphone. Except when he used to say “TEEIENNNdulkar!!!!”

4. Munaf Patel probably the only person in this squad better looking than Kejriwal himself, Munaf Patel’s similarities with Arvind are few and far between. A talented milkman, Patel’s IQ was once measured to be the same as that of an ostrich’s egg. He vehemently refutes Nehra’s claim to be India’s best death bowler, although there is no question that he is the smartest.

5.Mohammad Asif Mohammad was a promising young talent. Too promising and too talented, he became bored with fast bowling very very quickly. His subconscious took over and he took to beating up his girlfriends, snorting illicit substances and engaging in combat with a certain Rawalipindi Express. He claimed it was all an effort to attain enlightment. The selectors disagreed.

6.Debashish Mohanty For you soft-core cricket fans, Debashish Mohanty isn’t the same as Doda Ganesh. Albeit both were equally appalling. He believed that he was better than Mitchell Johnson, and that politics was the cause of his downfall(the selectors did not recognise Odisha as a cricketing state according to him). His stance was further weakened when cricket writers referred to him as a medium pacer. Unable to fight the ‘system’ he disappeared into the abyss.

7.Unmukt Chand Immediately upon scoring a fifty, Unmukt took off his helmet and was seen frantically rubbing his head ; gesturing to the dressing room. A bemused 12th man ran out with a bat, ball, gloves and a helmet. Unfortunately Unmukt was actually signalling for hair gel. He had a shoot with PepsiCo lined up after the game. The poor twelfth man was sent back after a kohliesque verbal tirade from Chand.

8.Utpal Chatterjee Poor ‘Utpal DA’ spent his whole life trying to unravel the mysteries of how to bowl the elusive Doosra. He laboured on in his relentless pursuit until the day his deliveries started reaching the batsman after two bounces. Unable to find face after this debacle delivery he wisely hung up his boots.

9.Ajantha Mendis Mendis was a vigilante, gobbling up batsmen faster than David Boon downed pints. But one day a batsman stared hard into his eyes, and realized that Mendis himself didn’t know which way the ball would spin. He was cockeyed, and was relying on chance all this time. The downslide started and batsmen battered him to all parts of the ground. But poor Ajanta, he has no peripheral vision. He doesn’t know if the balls been bludgeoned for six or being pushed for a single.

10.Vijay Bharadwaj Hmmm..where is this guy. He didn’t even last as long as Hollywood’s romance with Jude Law. Some speculated Bharadwaj came from pluto. And was all set to vanquish the hapless earthlings with his extraordinary abilities, until the day Pluto was relegated from the elite group of planets. Blue with embarrassment and disgust, Bharadwaj jettisoned Earth.( with “im Blue daa daa dee daa daa daa playing in the background”)

11.Arvind Kejriwal(captain) Kejriwal was a ****,******. He ********* ******** and ******** ******* so ********* ******** ***** and ********* **** *****. AMEN.