Tuesday, 24th April, 2018

American authorities warn against terrorist toileteries, stink up Sochi Olympics

09, Feb 2014 By Captain Bazinga

Sochi Stink

The United States Department of Homeland Security issued an advisory to all American athletes to avoid bathing or brushing during the Sochi Olympics. The Olympic Committee is planning to make it a regulation. “We have received intelligence from strategic sources that terrorists could be smuggling explosive material in their toiletries”, US Homeland Security spokesman Louis Blastman said.

Many athletes expressed displeasure with the sudden change in rules. Things turned ugly when Chinese figure skating champion Ping Xi Pong alleged that her organic shampoo was indispensable for her health, form and regulated chi flow. “When we pointed out that the ‘organic’ was just the brand name and this was just like any other shampoo, she attacked us with her pink and blue stuffed dolls. It was horrible,” recalled a visibly disturbed security guard. Ms Pong has since reportedly boarded a flight to China to catch up on her beauty shower.

However some athletes were quick to look at the brighter side of things, such as American Ice Hockey player Maximus Svet. “I’m already planning to use this to my advantage. I call it the Svet Attack. I wait for my opponent to come real close and raise ’em my armpits. Knocks ’em right out!”, he said, with a wide grin.

Following the advisory, American Airlines Passengers boarding flights to Sochi are already being scrutinized to ensure bad breath before boarding flights.

When questioned about the rising restrictions on luggage material which can be converted into bombs, Mr Blastman replied that the safety of Americans was of paramount importance to the US Government, and all precautions to scare them continually was a necessary consequence. “Besides, the lower fuel costs for airlines from reduced cargo load are a happy consequence to stimulate the economy”, he added.

Meanwhile, sports fans in India speculated that the real reason for excluding the nation from the Games could have been a secret advisory from the US Govt, rather than corruption. The Congress party in India was quick to point out a research paper published by a US born Indian-origin scientist regarding the “Generation of explosive gases in the gastric system post consumption of Alu Parathas with Paneer Butter Masala”. The scientist is currently being prosecuted by Manhattan attorney Preet Bharara for inadequately reimbursing his maid for the purchase of premium atta.