Thursday, 22nd February, 2018

Transcript: UPA meeting to discuss Delhi protests

23, Dec 2012 By Sandeep Kadian

After the protests outside Rashtrapati Bhavan in Delhi, an emergency meeting of UPA chaired by Sonia Gandhi was called at night to discuss the measures required to resolve the situation. Others present at the meeting included the Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and other senior ministers, Sushil Kumar Shinde, P. Chidambaram, Kapil Sibal and Rajiv Shukla. Delhi police commissioner Mr. Neeraj Kumar was also present at the meeting.

Manmohan Singh with Kapil Sibal
PM got special applause from everyone as he spoke more than once in the meeting, a new record.

Manmohan Singh: Madam ji, we have lost public confidence.

P. Chidambaram: What are you saying Manmohan ji!? we haven’t lost, in fact, we have gained public confidence! The number of protesters used to be much greater during British rule, now there are so few protesters against the government. This is a victory for us.

Sushil Kumar Shinde: But we will have to do something.

Neeraj Kumar: I can suspend some random policemen for a while.

Manmohan Singh: But people will still ask why excessive force was used on peaceful protesters.

Kapil SIbal: Don’t worry about that, I will prove in any court that there were zero protesters in Delhi that day. When there were zero protesters then how can police commit any atrocity against protesters?

Sonia Gandhi: Good idea! But what to do with these people outside my home. I hear most of them are young people, should I send Rahul to talk to them? Maybe they can interact more freely with him?

Shinde: Madam ji, Rahul ji is same age as the parents of these protesters. He isn’t as young as we like to believe. We need to do something drastic to get their attention away from this rape case.

Rajiv Shukla: I can ask Sachin to retire. I know media will definitely go away and get busy with tributes. Without cameras, these people may disperse too.

Sibal: No man, people may start an even bigger protest asking Sachin to take back his retirement.

Shukla: Then we can make him retire from ODIs only, people will not protest. Instead they will be thankful that Sachin is still playing Tests.

Chidambaram: What if he doesn’t agree?

Shukla: Don’t worry about that. Who pays the selectors after all?

Sibal: Ok, now that is agreed. Shinde ji, go and give some lollypop to protesters for the night. In morning, we will take their attention away through Sachin’s retirement.

(Just then Sonia Gandhi squeals in delight.)

Chidambaram: What happened madam, everything fine?

Sonia: Yes, yes everything is fine. Those marines we sent to Italy are uploading pics of Christmas decorations in Italy on Facebook. They look beautiful, just going through them. So what were you saying?

Shinde: Nothing Ma’m. The action plan to deal with this situation is ready and by tomorrow all will be well.

After that everyone congratulated each other for coming up with the solution to the situation and started moving out of the room while Manmohan Singh was left seated with his hand on his heart and murmuring, “Aal izz well.. Aal izz well.. Aal izz well.”