Monday, 19th March, 2018

To stay relevant, Congress launches new inner wear line made of 'secular fabric'

11, Apr 2015 By paranoidandroid

Imperial City of Delhi: Indian Notional Congress, in order to better connect with the youth and urban middle class of the country, has today launched a new fashionable inner wear line made out of a revolutionary new form of fabric, touted as ‘secular’ fabric. Mocking PM Narendra Modi’s popular radio programme ‘Mann ki baat’, Congress has named it’s fashion line ‘Stan ki baat’, which will be available exclusively from Flipkart. It’ll also be available on Amazon, Snapdeal, Myntra and around 250 other e-tailers. Abhishek Mannu Singvi, posing partially nude with nothing but underwear on, was present at a press conference to launch the new brand (We were also expecting Digvijay Singh to be present, but apparently he was arrested by Delhi police who allegedly mistook him for a streaker while he was on his way to the event wearing nothing but a green thong).

Mr. Singvi, responding to the press, laid out the various utilities of their new clothing brand, “Secular Fabric is a sensational piece of innovation which has the ability to change the way we see clothes forever. Not only is it durable, it is also very flexible and protects the wearer from all forms of criticism. Take our case for example. Even after getting exposed for scam after scam, our ministers didn’t break for even once, all thanks to this fabric. It made us thick skinned and helped deflect all scrutiny and accusations.” Mr. Singvi went on to claim that the fabric was also ‘corruption-proof’, having the ability to turn corruption into ‘jumla’.

Abhishek Manu Singhvi wanting to hide something under Secular Fabric
Abhishek Manu Singhvi wanting to hide something under Secular Fabric

Describing other features, Mr. Singvi declared the fabric was ‘completely transparent’. To give proof he said youth icon Rahul Gandhi could not be located because he is, in fact, wearing clothes made from this fabric, which is making him transparent to the point of being invisible. When this reporter queried Mr. Singvi on the inherent fallacy of ‘transparent’ inner wear, he accused me of being a ‘presstitute’. When asked why choose inner wear specifically, Mr. Singvi disclosed that inner wears are like the Dalits of clothing community. While they are essential for the society, no one wants to flash them in public, hence they are destined for the ignominy of  being marginalized.

Mr. Singvi also gave credit to small farmers of the country like Robert Vadra, due to whose tireless efforts a fabric like this has come into being. But he also cautioned against ‘communal forces’ who are trying to destroy this hard earned secular fabric of the nation. In a sensational new claim, he said BJP MP Smriti Irani actually picked out one of their new inner wears while shopping at Fabindia , but after she realised her mistake she threw a fit over a security camera to divert attention. BJP went on to rubbish this claim, counter attacking Congress by saying the fabric is not indigenous at all and is in fact being imported from Italy, like a poor man’s Gucci. BJP also claimed Congress is trying to hide from it’s past mistakes by using the secular fabric as a cloak. Meanwhile AAP leader Ashutosh is rumoured to be authoring a new book on the matter tentatively titled “The Chaddi, The Baniyan and The Cholee”.

Rakhi Sawant, despite being a fan of Narendra Modi, along with other Bollywood luminaries like Veena Malik and Sherlyn Chopra, were quick to hail this endeavour, contending that amount of exposure is directly proportional to the progressiveness of a society. On the other hand, conscience keepers such as Aamir Khan and Deepika Padukone have condemned the move, terming it as ‘infinitely unfortunate in every direction’. As per latest reports, the inner wears would come in a variety of colours, sizes and patterns. Though the cream of the crop would be a special RaGa limited edition, which would come in pink with chhota bheem prints on it.