Disclaimer: This diary page was forwarded to Faking News with the claim that it belongs to a member of AAP cadre. We make no claim of it being authentic but the circumstantial evidence points to that direction.
You are the only one in the world who can empathize with me.
At night, sleep eludes me. If sometimes it does come, I get nightmares, of being crushed or being blown up. I wake up in the middle of night, scared, shivering and perspiring with cold sweet.
Days are as hellish as nights. Family ridicules me, neighbors deride me, females avoid me when I am around. I don’t know where to run, what to do.
Let me explain.
I have always been trying to remain close to my leader but inexplicably, for last one month or so, I am scared of being too close to him. Reason? He has surrounded himself in so much of gas that I am afraid of him. What if, someday, someone lights a cigarette / bidi in his presence and …. Boom. Gas is inflammable, you know. The thought of being blown up to bits gives me shivers.
Now, I am even scared of walking behind him. What if .. What if he suddenly takes a u-turn & I am not quick enough, I may get crushed. Not a nice thought either.
Anyway, I feel, my life seems to have no purpose. I am never sure whether I am coming or going. I have lost my self confidence completely. My family, friends, neighbors’ behave as if their only purpose in life is to spite me, insult me.
Last week, I was leaving home to go to party office when our next door neighbor, an aunty, walked up to me and said, “Beta, you already have a broom. Please sweep the staircase, the maid is on leave.” I felt like murdering her.
Yesterday, my sister in law was teaching Hindi poem to my niece. It was a famous poem in which a warrior queen berates her coward husband for running away from the battle. When my niece asked her to explain further in more detail, she mentioned my leader’s name as example. I wished I could be invisible & walked away, pretending not to have heard her. But I know that she knew I had heard her.
My father, my own father, does not sympathize with me. This morning, while watching news on TV, he commented, “This guy has fantastic business model. Gets money from outside India, gets volunteers locally for free & then imports leftover leaders from other parties. No investment, only returns.” I could not pretend to not having heard him, the comment was targeted at me!
Importantly, my girlfriend has started avoiding me. Her father had no objection to both of us going around, to movies & dinner, now does not let her out of her room when I am visiting. I heard him telling my girlfriend, “Isse door raho. Ab ye Alok Nath nahin raha, Somnath ho gaya hai. Aur pata nahin deshdrohi hi na ho” (Stay away from him, he is no more Alok Nath, but turned into a Somnath now. You never know he might even be anti national)
Even at office, the gloom does not lift. We are not sure what we are fighting against. The enemy, the agenda, the ideology changes every hour depending upon whom our leader is addressing on that day, at that time. Once one of my colleagues was found retweeting a day old tweet on corruption by Delhi’s ex CM, the poor guy had to face the wrath of the journalist turned party leader because the stand on the issue had changed that morning, during a TV appearance. Not so surprisingly, instructions got changed again by evening & tweet had to be promoted again.
Other colleagues of mine too are directionless & demotivated. The funds crunch has forced all of us to abandon pizzas for samosas & bread pakodas but the news of Pajeros & Audis being used in our campaign in Amethi does give us a creepy feeling.
Unfortunately, I can’t abandon all this & go back. The day I joined my party, I swore that I will fight against corruption & for the country and I will continue doing so. I am not the one who would go back on my oath and still face my family, my near & dear ones.
But the definition of corruption has been changing every minute and now I am not sure what I am fighting. I am the prisoner of my own gloomy world.
I am not a believer but I hope someone, out there, is listening to my woes.