Wednesday, 18th October, 2017

Subramanian Swami moves SC against Java language for various offences, including 'objectifying' women

21, Apr 2015 By paranoidandroid

Bangalore: In an unexpected recent development that sent shock waves through the Indian software community, serial outrager Subramanian Swami has decided to move SC against popular programming language Java citing several serious charges, including, but not limited to, disrespecting Indian culture, misleading the youth of the country, encouraging corruption etc.

In a 7000 page detailed report prepared by him, Mr. Swami is said to have debunked one after another the much touted features of Java, calling them nothing but ‘jumlas’ and demanded a total ban in India. Faking News has exclusively managed to acquire parts of the report. Some pertinent points from it are reproduced below as-is:

Subramanian Swamy
Swamy showing his chargesheet against Java

1) The basic concept of Java lies in the fact that it treats everything and everyone as ‘objects’, including women in our society, cows, Kashmiri Pandits as well as our esteemed PM Mr. Modi. This is highly insensitive towards our cultural values and attempts to harm the secular fabric of our nation. The very fact that thousands of our bright software engineers are being taught this highly outrageous language is a deep source of concern.

2) This language tends to place importance on the concept of ‘inheritance’, but we have a live example in front of us in the form of Congress Party the ill effects of such a concept. Over reliance on inheritance makes this a ‘Maa Beta ka language’.

3) There is a disturbing concept called ‘Abstraction’ in this language, which attempts to hide important information from the users under the garb of ‘simplification’. Even when I tried to enforce RTI over an object I still could not retrieve all the inner details, it just gave me an exception. This is completely opposite of the concept of transparency and could cause it to become a safe haven for drug lords and black money hoarders.

4) This language tries to play the ‘divide and conquer’ game by using something called as ‘Access Specifiers’. This is like VVIO (Very Very Important Object) Racism, where you can define some object as Private and no one else would be able to touch it. This elitist mindset is very harmful. All objects should have equal level of access instead of creating such a divide. And don’t even get me started on Interfaces. They are like the lowest rung of society, only able to define actions but has no power to actually implement them. Such a concept is infinitely dangerous.

5) There is an ugly concept of Exception Handling, specifically a ‘Throws’ clause, which basically servers the purpose of passing the buck to someone else. We need to teach our youth to handle their own mistakes, not pass them on to someone else! What kind of a society are we trying to create here with this kind of mindset?!

6) There is an import command to bring stuff from outside, but no export command to get stuff out! Can we even imagine what would happen to our economy if we only keep importing things and stop exporting altogether? Is this the ‘Make In India’ dream that we are trying to fulfill?

7) Perhaps the most important USP of the obscene language is platform country independent feature. So if I deploy my application in India, it would run the same as if I would deploy in Pakistan or Bangladesh! Where is this audacity coming from?! Do they think they are the same as us? Have they not learnt anything from the World Cup? Surely ours should run faster and better than them!

8) Runtime Polymorphism, a classic subterfuge technique to keep the consumer in the dark till the last moment about what he is going to get. In fact, he might not get the exact same thing he demanded but something ‘similar’. Think of it this way, after a hard days work you go to a ‘theka’ on your drive back home, you ask for Tuborg Strong, is kept in the line waiting for 30 minutes jostling with everyone else, then finally the shopkeeper comes back and hands you over a Carlsberg. Why? Because they are out of Tuborg. When you protest, he says you shouldn’t mind as they are both alcohol, hence ‘similar’. Can you just imagine the frustration? Jaago Grahak Jaago!

9) Garbage collection. Oh, the horror! First of all, defining someone as ‘garbage’ is truly nauseating. How can you even live with yourself after saying something so vile? But oh no, we are just getting started. Apparently, objects with no ‘references’ to it are automatically treated as garbage and disposed of in a clandestine manner. To give a real life example, imagine a popular cricketer called Virender. Once when he was in form and had more hair on his head, he had a lot of fans and was celebrated everywhere he went. But then bad times arrived, his form references left him along with his hair, and the captain called him ‘garbage’ and threw him out of the team. No one noticed, no one cared, he was ‘garbage collected’. The pain is simply unimaginable.

10) It actually allows you to create a class called ‘SwamiSucks’ without throwing an error.

When we contacted Mr. Swami, he says this is all happening because we are relying on a language created by foreigners, and urged the budding software professionals of India to create a completely indigenous language, preferably called ‘Modi++’.