Monday, 29th May, 2017

Shivsena promises "Tiger" for every home: Faking News head quits in depression

09, Feb 2017 By UltiKhopdi

Mumbai (Press Distrust of India): Shocked by promises given in municipal corporation elections by political parties, Faking News head resigned and admitted to Kokilaben Ambani Hospital for treatment on acute depression level. It is learnt that he was searching facility of Open Gymnasium announced by BMC near Marine Drive where he heard some of the promises given by politicians in upcoming municipal corporation elections and immediately collapsed. He told our correspondent, “Even faking news cannot fake this much! I am deeply saddened and frustrated with my life. My life has lost all meaning. I mean all these years my friends and I wrote fake stories which are not even scratch on surface compared to these politicians.”

Some of the facilitating promises given by political parties are listed here:

  1. Shivsena: “As our tagline says “Shivsena… Manamanat… Gharagharat” (Shivsena… in everyone’s mind and home), we have decided to gift one real tiger to every house in Mumbai. We are only legitimate descenders of tiger family on this earth.  Mumbaikars can use this tiger as they wish”, Editor and Senior Politician Sanjay Raut told Faking News. “All Shivsainiks are tigers of Mumbai. Some are in fact ready to get tied alongside Penguins in Byculla Zoo.”
  2. BJP: “We want transparent government. More transparent than Sunny Leoni. There will be no taxes of any kind for next 100 years. We will fix wifi with speed equivalent to 8G even in Ppublic toilets. We will connect to everyone and anyone. We will bring helicopters as public taxi service for Mumbai. Even Shivji Maharaj (who is not only property of Shivsena by the way) will be amazed to see our Government you see”, BJP Corporate Candidate all screamed this from rooftop of a building while addressing a rally.
  3. NCP: Faking news correspondent caught Senior Leader Ajit Pawar of National Corrupt Party (NCP) peeing near Marine Drive said, “We have only one promise. We will make all municipal corporation corruption free in 1 month”. On questioning “How? Where is magic stick”, He said with peaceful smile, “You see all corrupt NCP leaders have joined BJP. So obviously whether BJP wins or we win. Who will do corruption? hahahaha”.
  4. MNS: MNS Fighter politician (who holds world record of street fighting and beating north Indians) taking a dig at Shivsena said, “Well, We will make use of those tigers. Every north Indian will now be bitten using tiger’s teeth OR Manasainik’s teeths. So beware. We shall be offering free movie tickets of every new release of Shahrukh Khan, Karan Johar, Sanjay Bhansali and Salman Khan but only after they tell personalized story to our Lion- I mean Raj Thackray you know.”
  5. Republican Party: Ramdas Athavale, only minister of RPI said, “We promise reservation quota in H1B Visas. I have spoken to our party chief and President of United States- Donald Trump. After all, we got most eligible republican candidate as US Prez after Ronald Reagon! So take this promise as guarantee.” Within 10 minutes of this promise, Google servers hanged as millions of IT engineers tried to search process to convert caste to ST, SC etc.
  6. Congress (Indira): Since nothing left to promise, Congress super star comedian cum politician Rahul Gandhi said, “We have given everything to this country. We will be reprinting manifestos of last 70 years and promise to honor those promises”. He then abruptly left to Punjab for drugging under pretext of campaigning.

Meanwhile faking news journalists have requested Rahul to reconsider his resignation (if not faked). All journalists have promised 100% fake news with utmost honesty and sincerity.