Yesterday our reporter managed to sneak into Priyanka Gandhi’s house. He posed as Manmohan Singh and the watchman opened the gate to let “Manmohan” to his kennel. As soon as the watchman fell asleep, our reporter snuck into the house. What he saw, was a scene he can never forget.
Robert Vadra was sleeping in the hall, on the sofa. Subconsciously, his hands were engaged in some tom-foolery around his crotch. Our reporter took some photographs and then woke up Mr Vadra, and had a tete-a-tete with him, transcript (unedited) of which has been presented below:
Reporter: Mr Vadra, please explain to our readers why you are sleeping in the hall, on the couch, Or I will have to publish these photos of you in a compromising position.
Vadra: Sigh! I knew it would come to this. I don’t know where to begin.
R: Begin from the start Mr Vadra, we have all night.
V: Please call be Robbert, I am used to that. It all began when Rahul joined Politics. Everybody began hyping him up (mutters: still do). All of a sudden I began feeling ignored. I knew how stupid Rahul was, and felt he would fail in Politics and be thrown out within 2 years.
But I underestimated the stupidity of the Indian electorate, not only did they make him succeed, but made, him the messiah, the future PM (smirks). Indians I tell you, imbeciles. (Opens Facebook on his iPad and types: “Mango People in Banana Republic”) (smirks and mumbles: That will show them! Man I am so Witty and Original) So Anyway…where were we?
R: Rahul the future PM, Robbert.
V: Aah yes. That was just one aspect. What really got my goat were these scams. CWG, 2G, Coal, Adarsh. Somebody or the other from UPA was embroiled in scams. Disgusting.
R: Wait a minute Robbert, are you saying, you are against corruption? Do you condemn these scams?
V: Hell No. Politics without scams is like having a wife, but not having sex. My only Problem was Mummyji (Sonia Gandhi) had begun giving too much importance to these Kalmadis and Rajas. There came a point, when even Mannu (Manmohan Singh) commanded more respect than me. (sheds a tear) Do you know how it feels, to live under the shadow of your wife, her brother, her mother and even her bonded slaves? Day in day out I would have to hear taunts. Once Priyanka said: “A Raja, you are the real man, made money out of air-waves, Maan gaye aapko. Robbert, go fetch us some whisky. And make it snappy.” (becomes silent)
R: Robbert, I can feel your pain. Please continue.
V: That day, I made up my mind, I HAVE TO DO A SCAM. A Ghotala. Something. To redeem myself in the eyes of my In-laws, in my own eyes. And so I did. Yes, the entire DLF episode is a scam, and I have done it, a Private citizen, without Govt help. I have done it. I have done it ONLY for Cheap Publicity.
R: This is AMAZING. You admit you are guilty?
R: Wow, but it doesn’t add up. Now that you also have a scam to your name, shouldn’t Mummyji and Priyanka be proud of you? Instead you’re sleeping on the couch, pleasuring yourself?
V: Sigh. You see, This Raja, Kalmadi etc have set the bar too high. 1 Lakh Crore is the minimum to be given some respect around here. My scam doesn’t come up to even 1000 Crores. They feel I have brought disrepute to their family by hitting such a low figure, What the bitches don’t realise is I have done it all on my own, without being inside the Govt. (mumbles: Bloody Bitches)
R: So Robbert whats your next move?
V: I am going to meet A Raja tomorrow. He is writing a book, “1.76lakh someone: What not to do while Scamming”. He has promised to teach me how to do bigger scams.
R: Thank you Robbert for sharing your worthless time with us.
V: I should thank you, I haven’t got a patient listening like this for years now.
R: Good bye Robbert.
(You can find reporter BwoyBlunder on twitter @BwoyBlunder)