Returning today from his sojourn abroad, Congress Vice President Rahul Gandhi marched into the office of the Returning Officer at Amethi, tore up the VVPAT ballot papers and called the elections “a complete nonsense“. Stunned polling officials were reduced to mere spectators as Mr. Gandhi then proceeded to pry apart the EVM with a crowbar and a hammer.
His next stop was at the NDTV office, where he printed out the exit poll results and promptly shredded them. Even the TIME 100 Most Influential People in the World poll with Kejriwal’s cover photo wasn’t spared!
“What kind of an election are we running here, with the winning party garnering no more than 30% of the vote share? Democracy should function like the Congress Vice President or Kim Jong-un’s election, where the winner gets 100% of the vote!”, he thundered.
The hours leading up to this dramatic denouement were tense. Speculations were rife about the sudden disappearance of Mr. Gandhi from the farewell dinner for the
introverted outgoing PM Manmohan Singh yesterday. Sonia Gandhi sought to clear the confusion, “I had told Rahul about the farewell dinner. But he feared that we are bidding farewell to dinner itself & stomped out angrily”. Inside sources confirm that he had been to the UK to verify for himself that it is smaller than Gujarat.
Rahul weighed in with his thoughts, “I needed some time off to analyze the exit poll predictions. When I reached the UK, I realized that they were in far worse shape. The unemployed blue collar workers were conducting their own “Exit, Pole!” exercise, because the Polish immigrants were stealing all the jobs. That’s when it dawned on me: the system needs to change & we need to empower women. I then met the Queen at Buckingham Palace to validate my honeycomb model. I came away convinced that India cannot function without a queen bee, honey traps, sting operations and sterile worker bees. These elections were a huge distraction and I therefore decided to put an end to it”.
Rahuls’s work is not done. Between now and May 16th, he plans to conduct a gruelling nationwide campaign, personally dismantling 930,000 polling booths across 543 constituencies.
Asked if he was fed up with democracy, he said “Its the wrong question asked to the wrong Rahul. The important question is – what does Rahul want from Rahul? If Rahul thinks Rahul is responsible for the election loss, can Rahul be blamed?”