Wednesday, 22nd November, 2017

Rahul Gandhi Jeevan Security Bill introduced to make Indians live longer

01, Sep 2013 By Bechara Bandhu

New Delhi. According to a recent study done in India, it was found that 58% of the people who are not born yet will be dead by 2050, owing to various reasons. Experts say, one of the major reasons could be ‘Rahul Gandhi Jeevan Security Bill’, expected to be passed in the parliament really soon.

We are tired of this shit. We are trying to get to the bottom of this research and understand the reasons,” said the spokesperson from National Human Rights Commission of India.

Rahul Gandhi
Finally a scheme named after Rahul Gandhi

Most of all, the news has confused the newly married couples for some very obvious reasons. To do or not to do. But the condom companies are making the most out of this recent development. Durex has launched their new advertisement campaign in India, SOS (Save our Sperms).

“This quarter’s sales are estimated to grow by at least 300%,” said the CEO of Durex.

In other news, Yasin Bhatkal, alleged chief of Indian Mujahideen was arrested last night near the Nepal border. The militant group is experiencing mixed emotions after both these news broke out nearly at the same time.

“Although our chief has been arrested but the recent research results has made sure that we won’t have much work anyways for the next few decades”, whatsapp’d by Mujahideen’s interim chief. This was followed by a smiley :), clearly signifying that he was quite pleased with his new role in the organization.

Sources say that the militant group is planning to dissolve itself in a couple of years’ time and have already started handing out pink slips. We can expect a sudden rise in applications for call center jobs.

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh said, “The research might be correct but this is due to global factors and that our fundamentals are quite strong”. Theek hai!!

Also, the controversy king Narendra Modi suggested a solution which has received mixed reactions from the audience around the country. He said, “We should launch a campaign ‘F**k the Chinese’. Basically who wants a brown kid with slit eyes?”

In another recent study, it was found that 37% of people with less than 40 years of age by 2050 will suffer from cancer. The data from both the researches were studied closely by data analytic companies and after hours of number crunching they concluded that certain things are better left unsaid.

But given the previous trends of few cases of cancer in a cemetery; at least 58% of people not born yet have something to cheer about.