Patna. In a major blow to Rahul Gandhi’s Most Eligible Bachelor status, news is pouring in from Jehanabad that Rahul has been abducted and married off under Bihar’s infamous Pakadua Vivah scheme.
For the uninitiated, this scheme involves catching hold of eligible bachelors who do not agree to the bride’s family’s marriage proposal, giving the grooms a high dose of indigenous marijuana (read Gaanja, Bhaang) and marrying them off under the full gaze of the entire village.
Faking News reporter, Chatur Chintu was the first to reach the village where Rahul is being held captive. The village has been turned into a fortress surrounded by NSG and paramilitary forces.
Sri Sardar Singh, the brand new father-in-law of India’s future PM told our correspondent, “Poora gaanv ke saamne phera liye hai Jamaai Raja. Sardar Singh naam hai hamara. Bata dijiega sabko.”
He went on to add, “He had visited my servant’s hut last year and ate away all his dinner. That’s when my little angel Switty fell for him. Even his uncle, Digvijay was happy with this alliance. But sasur ka naati (maternal grandchild of father-in-law?), smart ban raha tha. That’s when I decided, Maarenge nahi, khila ke lenge.”
The entire Congress party was flummoxed. Sonia Gandhi is reportedly quite upset.
“I always knew this habit of barging into poor farmers’ huts and eating their dinner will get him into trouble someday,” she said and called up a cabinet meeting to decide upon the next course of action. Kapil Sibbal was heard consoling her, “Rahul ka, Yuvraj ka, Pappu ka, sabka badla lega re tera Sibbal.”
Manmohan Singh has termed Pakadua Biyaah as a bigger threat to internal security than the Naxals. Nitish Kumar, who failed to smell the rotten food grains served in the mid-day meals, has smelt opposition’s hand in this incident.
Strangely, Rahul’s mentor Digvijay Singh seemed not so disturbed with this event. He said, “Rahul has recently attained the age of marriage. Though marriage by abduction is not a good thing, I think we should keep the path of reconciliation open. I have met Switty Ji and trust me, she’s a hard-working, intelligent, Tanch-Maal.”
The security forces have been unable to trace Rahul despite a massive manhunt. A desperate Home Ministry is considering asking Narendra Modi for help.
“Wasn’t he the guy who rescued 40,000 Gujaratis from Uttarakhand? Huh!” said Maj.Vinod Kambli. An opinion poll conducted by India TV suggests that Modi will rescue Rahul. Rajat Sharma explains, “Rahul is a Gandhi. Mahatma Gandhi was a Gujarati. So Rahul too is Gujarati. It’s only a matter of time before Modi dons his Rambo costume and descends on Sardar Singh like tons of bricks.”
Bihar’s Elton John, Manoj Tiwari has dedicated a song to the bride Switty Kaur. It goes like this: “Jiya ho Bihar ke Lali. Tu phool aur Rahul tohar Maali…”
Barack Obama talked to Home Minister Chidambram and promised every possible help (including air dropping Chuck Norris) to protect the Peter Pan of Indian politics.
Meanwhile, the nation awaits the arrival of her Yuvraj, and perhaps, the Yuvrani too.