Monday, 29th May, 2017

President Bhagwat does a surgical strike on his first day in office

05, Apr 2017 By a z

Mumbai: Today is July 26, 2017. With recent cabinet reshuffling touted as the best since Independence with Uddhav Thackrey as Defense Minister, Baba Ramdev as Health Minister, Ravindra Gaikwad (of spicejet-chappal fame) as Civil Aviation Minister, the most awaited moment has finally arrived – RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat is now the President of India.

After the swearing-in ceremony in the morning, Mr. Bhagwat called for a Press Conference at 8pm (Modi style) to address the nation with some changes effective from midnight. To begin with, Nagpur has now been declared as the national capital of India.

All the walls of the president house would be painted like this
All the walls of the president house would be painted like this

Additionally, Orange has replaced Mango as the national fruit. ‘Aam’ Aadmi Party chief Arvind Kejriwal has strongly opposed by tweeting “Hamaari party ke Punjab aur Delhi MCD polls ke failure ke baad bhi Modiji darre hue hai bilkul. Hum aaj se dharne pe baithenge ji. Inqilaab Zindaabad.”

‘Cowbill’ has been introduced that declares that every citizen must possess a unique cow (instead of Aadhar/PAN card) for availing government services. On this CFBC chief Gajendra ji was heard saying, “Hrithik Rosan bach gaye, varna unki picture ‘Kaabil’ ban karni padti for offending sentiments related to Bhagwat ji’s recent bill”.

Just before the press conference, Mr. Bhagwat also summoned Google CEO Sundar Pichai and the new appointed Education Minister, Sakshi Maharaj (of the Rahul-Gandhi-caused-Nepal-earthquake fame). Both have been ordered to replace current map of India with that of bharat mata (show below) effective from midnight.

Much before the Q/A could begin, Mr. Bhagwat ushered ‘Zaroor Banega, Vahi Banega’ and the press conference ended suddenly when someone told him that UP CM Yogi needs some assistance with launching of Anti Romeo 2.0