The Bandhi scion has delivered an inspiring speech launching Gongress’ 2014 General Elections’ campaign; however, Faking News brings you un-leaked draft speech written by Kahul Bandhi herself, err, himself.
Edited speech: Gongress is not a party. It is an ideology close to our hearts. The idea is 3000 years’ old, as depicted in The Gita and The Mahabharat, and has been followed by Emperor Ashoka, Guru Nanak and Mahatma Gandhi.
Draft speech: Gongress is not a party. It is an idea created to rob the people of this country. The plan is more than 200 years old, showed to us by our predecessors from London. Impersonate an ideology and steal before they realize what exactly is happening and then even if they come to know, they’ll have to fight hard to come out of it!
Edited speech: The prime minister of the country will be elected in accordance with the Constitution, which says the PM is elected by MPs.
Draft speech: I’m not yet named as PM candidate as the person is selected only after we win the elections and this year we are going to nani ke ghar Italy (pun intended *Kahul thinking: I hope pun means what I think)
Edited speech: We need 12 LPG cylinders as nine subsidised cooking gas cylinders are not enough.
Draft speech: We need 12 LPG cylinders as nine subsidized cooking gas cylinders are not enough for us to rob people, though we raised the prices to unimaginable heights!
Edited speech: Aadhar is a revolutionary step and RTI is the single biggest achievements of the Gongress.
Draft speech: The other achievements are Karvind Aejriwal’s victory, India winning World Cup, the Mars Orbiter Mission and don’t think I’m bragging, but I also count the fall of Indian rupee to a 20-year low of 68.8450 against the US dollar.
Edited speech: A “change” is taking place in the country and the party needs to meet the “aspirations” of the common man, who wants a “fair deal”.
Draft speech: A change is taking place in the country, which is bound to take us down to dump and the party needs to meet the aspirations of the common party members, who want more bribes and scandals so to rob enough to survive until we come to power again!
Edited speech: This is not just another election to be fought. This is a turning point for India and no one is willing to compromise.
Draft speech: This is not any another election for us since we are certain of defeat and so mamma told me this would be a practice session for me. This is a downward-going point for Gongress and so they compromised my PM candidateship *sobbing.
Edited speech: Unless women are empowered, India can’t stand on its feet. We are fighting their battle.
Draft speech: Unless women are empowered, India can’t stand on its feet and so we are making sure that the country stays lying down by delaying justice! We are fighting this battle against them with all our hearts.
Edited speech: Opposition is even capable of selling combs to a bald man.
Draft speech: Opposition is even capable of selling tea, I can’t do that and so I should become PM, mamma said so.
Edited speech: We will raise the living standards of those stuck between the poverty line and middle class.
Draft speech: We will change the living standards of those stuck between the poverty line and middle class, by eliminating this class discrimination with our price hikes. Even middle class will enjoy the life of poor. Equality to all!