Monday, 19th March, 2018

New law prohibiting food consumption above 5000 grams

20, Dec 2016 By Manish Hatwalne

New Delhi. Please take a look the latest rules and regulations before lunch today! With an immediate effect, you are now not allowed to eat more than 5000 grams of food per week. The government has benevolently excluded beverages like tea, coffee from this rule; however alcoholic drinks might be covered under a separate law soon. Special technology is being implemented through RFID dish-washing powder exclusively manufactured by Patanjali, available everywhere keeps microscopic residue on your plates, and if you continue to consume more than 5000 grams food for more than 2 weeks, it would intimate special scanners and you need to offer explanation for overeating. (Our globe trotting leader found this leading-edge technology RFID powder during his visit to Somalia, Africa where American NGO and international scientists are researching effects of over eating.) YES – this rule is for your own health, we want healthy and productive nation! Since politician serve people relentlessly (no holiday for several months), there is no limit on their consumption and they would not be questioned no matter how much they eat! They are health conscious people and special Yoga sessions are conducted for them by the government on the national Yoga day.

In a press conference today, the national food-consumption monitoring ministry head and FCI chief clarified that the special RFID dish-washing powder does not send any reports if you eat beef- that is probably just a rumour (as of now) being circulated on social media. They have asked people not to forward such baseless rumours on social media. The FCI authorities would implement this rule with immediate effect. Under this new rule, lowest rung officers of FCI can initiate inquiry of any household based on their own suspicion and the officers are not required to produce any written justification to initiate such inquiry.

Further to this rule, all citizens are required to show their PAN and Aadhar (UUID, not compulsory by the Supreme Court, but mandatory for this scheme) and they can only purchase 24,000 grams of food every week. This unprecedented law would also encourage people to have smaller families and promote family planning. (What a great move Saaaar, nobody thought of this in the last 70 years!) Moreover, if you show the wedding invitation card, you can purchase up to 2,50,000 grams of food for the wedding.

Keeping in mind health of the pregnant women and young children below 16 years, they are allowed to consume up to 10,000 grams of food every week. However, they need to submit self-attested copy of USG report and birth certificate respectively. The new, efficient government is getting rid of all unnecessary red-tapism, you don’t need a gazetted officer now for attestation, self-attested documents would suffice. (Again, what a great move by the government. WOW!).

All restaurant owners or corporate food processing units are not required to furnish any records of production or sales. The FCI, similar to the environment ministry would ask only for self-certification from such industries. The government with vision of development do not want to curb any entrepreneurial aspirations through unnecessary corporate governance.

IMPORTANT NOTICE: With immediate effect from today, you can only eat more than 5000 grams of food once before 31st December 2016. Any more consumption beyond this limit would require written explanation.

Latest Update from Tier 1 and Tier 2 cities – Many restaurants have offered a great food extravaganza for the new year party that offers a chance to relish on more than 5000 grams of food on the new year’s eve. You can book your tickets with a copy of PAN or Aadhar card with a self-declaration that you will not consume more than 5000 grams of food before 31st December. The tickets can be purchased online in a cashless manner with any credit card, debit card, netbanking, UPI or mobile wallets such as PayTM.

Moreover, a new app is being developed by FCI in record time that will help you to book these tickets directly from app with a high-tech payment gateway that processes all digital payments (A technology giant from China has invested $2000 billion in this technology and and this deal came through while our globe-trotting leader visited China last week). You will also get 0.75% discount on the ticket price if you book it through this app and pay digitally. The app will be launched by our never-before-never-again, globe-trotting leader Mr. Fakir later today evening at 8 PM and it will be shown live on TV and radio in the program ‘khane-ki-baat’.

What a MAN! True to his words- “Na khaunga, na khaane dunga!”

~ Euphoric Bhakt