In a race to become the next PM of India, Narendra Modi scored a significant victory over his opponents by promising the voters that his first priority after becoming the PM would be to “fix the IRCTC website.”
During his rally in Patna, Modi said, “Mitron, IRCTC ki website sarkari daftar ki tarah hai, jo 8 baje khul to jati hai par 12 baje se pehle wahan koi kaam nahi hota aur 12 baje ke baad bhi kaam hone ki koi guarantee nahi hoti. Jitna samay desh ke yuva IRCTC par ticket reservation ke liye barbad karte hai, utna to Facebook aur Whatsapp par bhi nahi karte. Aisa kaise chalega? Aapne Congress ko 60 saal diye hai, mujhe sirf 60 mahine dijiye.”
After this announcement, C-voter conducted a nationwide poll which showed that BJP is now expected to win 400 seats in LS elections. Various news channels also reported a huge Modi wave across India. Even locals of Andaman & Nicobar Islands and Lakhadweep, reported huge Modi waves on the beaches there, despite not having any railway lines on the islands.
When our correspondent interviewed a youth from UP at rally, he said, “Originally, me and my friends came to do chhota mota bomb blasts in Modi’s rally but after hearing his announcement to fix IRCTC website, we defused all the bombs we planted.”
When asked why, he became tearful. “It took us exactly 9 days 16 hours and 345 attempts to book four train tickets on IRCTC website to come here. Above that, we used Internet Explorer to open the website. That’s the riskiest thing we have ever done, even riskier than making bombs. Modi knows our pain. He deserves to be PM of India. My vote goes to him”, he added.
Eminent distortian (sorry Historian), Ramchandra Guha who was going to launch a new PhD Course on “Modi’s Communalism” at JNU, shockingly admitted that while Modi is communal, unfortunately people now have a reason to vote for him.
Mulayam Singh Yadav announced that Modi is secular as IRCTC website is used by people from minorities also to book train tickets. However, while making this announcement, he received a call from a person named “Caged Parrot”. Few minutes later Mulayam Singh Yadav announced that Modi is communal and fascist.
Meanwhile, Congress in an unsurprising move, demanded to ban paid opinion polls. Sanjay Jha went one step ahead accusing Modi of plagiarism. “Fixing the IRCTC website was originally Rahul Gandhi’s idea. When Rahulbaba mentioned RTI to Arnab Goswami in that interview 26 times, half of the time he meant IRCTC. He just mispronounced IRCTC as RTI, just like Rani Ki Jhansi in his earlier speech.”
However, some defense experts raised concerns that fixing IRCTC website will compromise national security. “We were planning to move all the sensitive information pertaining India’s national security to IRCTC servers to protect it from Chinese hackers. There is no way in the world those Chinese hackers can penetrate IRCTC servers. By fixing IRCTC website, Modi will actually end up helping the Chinese”, they claimed.
NDTV was very disappointed. When asked, Sreenivasan Jain frustratingly said, “This is cheating yaar. How can Modi do this? From last few months, we have been working very hard compiling a list of “Blow to Modi” headlines, planning to release them right before LS elections. We have pre-recorded shows on Modi to be telecast live. But his single announcement has ruined everything. We now have to think new ways of giving twist to this announcement and somehow make a “Blow to Modi” headline out of it. This is not democracy. This is fascism.”
Arvind Kejriwal was also riled up with this announcement. “Modiji is not with aam aadmi. His move of fixing the IRCTC website is anti-people according to our internal survey and SMS poll conducted by Yogendra Yadav. We will protest against this move and sit on dharna on Delhi Metro train tracks to expose Modiji.” When asked to elaborate, Kejriwal said, “If IRCTC website is fixed, what will happen to railway agents? How will they earn their living? After all, railway agents are also aam aadmi. If AAP is voted in power, we will ensure that everyone who books their railway tickets through railway agents will get 50% discounts on ticket prices. We invite all the railway agents and honest railway employees to quit their jobs & protest with us.”
On the other hand, “All India Railway Agents Association” has decided to approach Ahmed Patel, Rajeev Shukla & Amar Singh for help as they are considered to be the “Superagents” with unparalleled expertise in political jugaad.
In another development, soon after Modi made the announcement to fix IRCTC website, BJP issued a gag order on Rajnath Singh for announcing at a press conference that if BJP comes to power, it plans on launching the IRCTC website in Sanskrit also.