Tuesday, 22nd August, 2017

My Name is Gandhi and I am not a secular

19, Apr 2014 By Lunatic509

The story begins in the latest press conference of NaMo, where a middle aged bald headed person was heard screaming “My Name is Gandhi and I am not a secular”.

Hearing the dreaded word “secular”, the crowd dispersed in fright like a bunch of chicken, the police started lathi charge and captured the screamer.

The man was Tanmay Gandhi who had no connection what so ever with either Gandhi or Nehru dynasty. Since school days, he was made the laughing stock of the class for his namesake. He was beaten when Indira Gandhi announced the curfew and praised when Sonia Gandhi won the election.

Life had been tolerable shitty until the day Modi wave followed the waves of Phailin from the shores of Gujurat. A common man with an uncommon name, Tanmay Gandhi who can’t tell the difference between communal and communist got dragged into various controversies. His friends started calling him names like secular,  pseudo-intellectual, liberal, minority sympathizer and worst of all “Pappu lover” because of his last name “Gandhi”. One day when he was sweeping his house with a “broom” in his “hand”, a friend took his photo and uploaded it on FB, called him a Cangaroo and an AAPtard.

One of his friends went to the extent of tagging him in a post related to Wendy Doniger’s book Hindu: An Alternative History and claimed that he had read it. In the T20 finals, when he refused to curse Yuvi on his dismissal, he was slammed sedition charges.  Things culminated when one day his puppy came under a car and his wife blamed its death on his being “secular”. Since that day he decided to follow India’s “PM in waiting” and shout aloud to convince once and for all to everyone that he is not a secular.

“I don’t know why people call me secular”, said Gandhi after being released, “The only Modi I dislike is Lalit Modi.” He told in his defense that he has never touched alcohol nor has liked the status of LGBTs after the re-institution of the 377 act. On Valentine’s Day he sends 1000 SMS to his young friends saying that Bhagat Singh was hanged on 14th Feb (not on 23rd March). Finally he managed to convince his close pals that he is not a secular and also received a gift hamper of Baba Ramdev’s products for hair fall control from an unknown well wisher.