Saturday, 24th February, 2018

Mukesh Ambani beats Indian Railways as the largest Indian employer, credits Arvind Kejriwal

15, Apr 2014 By Parth Mehta

Mukesh Ambani has become the largest Indian employer, beating Indian Railways’ record of employing 1.4 million people. Nita Ambani, the other ¼ (sorry half) of Mukesh Ambani, threw a grand party to celebrate this occasion at Umed Bhawan Palace in Jaipur where celebrity guests were invited.

When our correspondent interviewed one of the celebrity guests, he said, “I am not sure the exact reason why Nitaji arranged the celebrations. All I know is that in today’s newspaper, I saw a large advertisement by Dr. Batra’s Weight-loss Clinic, congratulating Mukesh Ambaniji for becoming the LARGEST Indian employer. There was another advertisement by Shaan Tailors congratulating Mukesh Ambaniji but then the ad mentioned something about ‘being only tailor in Muradabad who can make XXXXXL size trousers for their VIP clients at discounted prices.’  Frankly, I didn’t understand those ads but if Nitaji arranged the party, it must be for something really BIG.”

The guests however had even bigger surprise when they learned that Arvind Kejriwal was a chief guest to felicitate Mukesh Ambani with the “Largest Indian Employer” award. Mukesh Ambani in his speech credited Arvind Kejriwal wholeheartedly. Ambani said that without Kejriwal’s help, this feat would have been impossible to achieve and emotionally narrated how Kejriwal played a vital role in making him the largest Indian employer in such a short time.

Mukesh Ambani said – One day, I was standing in my balcony, when I saw millions of people shouting ‘Ambani Ambani’ on roads surrounding Antilla. When I talked to them, they said, “We were actually going to Government Offices to resolve our issues, like bad roads, potholes, loadshedding, lack of sewage facilities etc. But we heard this man named Arvind Kejriwal who was shouting on roads saying ‘all politicians and government are in Ambani’s pockets’.  So we decided to come here to request Mukesh Ambani to solve our problems and also to check out Ambani’s pockets’ size.”

He added, “There were some really angry people. I initially thought they were Reliance shareholders as they were shouting ‘Ambani Haaye Haaye’. I also wished them ‘Hi’ and asked what they wanted. They said that they have not received their salaries from last 2 months from Ambani.” When I told them that I don’t employ them, they said, “Look, the epitome of honesty, Arvind Kejriwalji has called us Ambani agents. We also didn’t know that we were Ambani agents till Kejriwalji enlightened us. Since we are now Ambani agents, it is natural that we are demanding our salaries from Ambani.” When I asked them for proof of employment, they showed me the newspaper clippings where Kejriwal had called them Ambani agents.

Ambani said, “At this point, I decided to file for bankruptcy and mortgage Antilla for being unable to pay millions of Ambani Agents. I was also really upset at Nita for wasting 1 million dollars on that chap, Glen Maxwell for not playing the IPL. I even went to Nirmal Baba. He said “Laal ki jagah hari chatni khao, kripa aa jaani hai”. I tried that to no avail.”

Then suddenly one day, I got a call from Ministry of Labor and Employment congratulating me, that about 2 million people have registered on my payroll after Arvind Kejriwal called them ‘Ambani Agents’, making me the largest Indian employer beating Indian Railways. 

I again thank Kejriwalji for the speed, with which he designated millions of people as Ambani agents and giving me a diverse workforce, with politicians like Narendra Modi, Rahul Gandhi, BJP, Congress, NGOs, Indian Army, electricity and water companies, news channels, Bollywood, Facebook, Twitter, ISRO, Indian Railways and even Anna Hazare. It is my pleasure to have Arvind Kejriwalji with us today.

At this point Mukesh Ambani, desperately started looking for Arvind Kejriwal among the members of audience but Kejriwal could not be found. After few minutes, one of Ambani’s staff members told him that Arvind Kejriwal is not coming as he was attacked by a group of pilgrims who were returning from Vaishno Devi on Delhi train station and had to go to Safdarjung Hospital to get treated for his injuries. No one knew exactly why Kejriwal was attacked but later on details started emerging.

Our correspondent Shaitan Khopadi found out that “Kejriwal was offered private jet service by Ambani but being an Aam Aadmi without any aukaat, he requested to arrive by Maharaja’s Luxury Express Train only. When he was waiting at the train station, he saw some people who were chanting “Jai Mata Di”. Kejriwal asked them where they were coming from; they said “Hum Vaishno Devi se Maa Amba ke darshan karke aa rahe hai. Hume Maa Ambane bulaaya tha. Maa Amba wahan pahaad pe gufa me biraajmaan hai”

As soon as Kejriwal heard the word “Amba”, he started calling those pilgrims “Ambani agents” also. Those people insisted that they went to worship “Amba”, and not “Ambani”. But Kejriwal was relentless in calling them “Ambani agents” and finally those enraged people ended up beating Kejriwal black and blue.

1 month later –

Since things have cooled down, Kejriwal now has written an open letter in media saying he still couldn’t understand why he was suddenly beaten up and has blamed BJP for the attack. In the same letter, he has also declared Mukesh Ambani as an official PM candidate of AAP, for being a real Aam Aadmi, living a simple life in a cave on a mountain in Vaishno Devi.