Election is about to end. Our correspondents have managed to leak the script of Congress’ answers on various questions. Expect variations on this theme in the interviews and shouting sessions on TV.
Question: Why did Congress lose?
- We won. [Look at Telangana, Kerala, Lakshadweep etc.]
- We didn’t lose. [Look at Amethi where Modi had put his entire focus etc.]
- We couldn’t market our achievements well. [What we could do in case of one man’s property, we were about to scale to the whole nation. Alas, Modi noise didn’t let us express that etc.]
- We had some problems with Dr. Singh…
- BJP hasn’t got majority either. NDA is a collection of 25 parties – and you call it a majority?
- There was an attempt to polarize the atmosphere through Muzaffarabad, Assam etc. [We didn’t do a thing like that. Honest! Those who asked Pakistan were so vicious – we almost forgot about sinking in the sea part. And so should you!]
- Modi raised his caste issue at the 9th phase. [Earlier 8 can be explained by that too!]
- Some of our partners failed us. [Understand DMK but don’t speak about them]
Question: Why did Rahul Gandhi not win with impressive margin? OR Why did Rahul Gandhi lose in Amethi?
- Rahulji was paying attention to the big picture. [Empowerment, escape velocity etc.]
- BJP spread riots, venom, …
- Secular vote got divided. [That smiley poet …]
Question: Why did you do personal campaign?
- Anything to stop a monster like Modi
- Modi insulted Rajeev Gandhi
- Modi, Baba Ramdev, Rakhi Sawant and others engaged in negative campaign
- [Justify people’s right to know marital status of Modi but not rate of rise of wealth of Vadra]
Question: Why did you fail to take your message of 10 years of work to the people?
- Rs. 20,000 Crore campaign by Modi. [Trust me, by then the accused number will reach there]
- Media didn’t support us. [All the parties will cry about that. More loss, louder the cry]
- There has to be some [150 seats] anti-incumbancy
Question: We kept hearing losing like comments even when campaign – from Chidambaram, Antony, …
- [Most probably this question will be skipped]
- Look at our Banaras rally
Question: What are your comments about Election Commission’s decision on not allowing Narendra Modi’s rally in Banaras?
- Modi has already vitiated atmosphere of
. Ganga-jamani tezheeb ….
- Election commission is a constitutional authority. Congress [barring 1970s, don’t mention them!] has never resorted to subvert constitutional authority
- [More Modi-bashing]
Question: What will you do now?
- Gather all secular forces
- Go to people to explain the grand stand [the great-grandson of Nehru has grand dreams for] of Congress
- We will fight for justice for minorities, women, youth [and any other vote bank you can think of]. We will carry forward the dreams of Rahulji, Soniaji, Rajeevji, Indiraji, Nehruji [Motilalji etc.]
Question: What is your message to the incoming government?
- That the nation is a pluralistic society [except for the question on which family should rule]
- Respect constitution and constitutional practices
- Uphold the democracy and autonomy of democratic institutions [like Doordarshan and Election Commission]
Question: Did Rahul Gandhi fail?
- [Throw tantrums]
- It was MMS, not Rahul Gandhi, under which we went to elections!
- Rahul didn’t fail. Look at Amethi, Telangana, Kerala, …
Question: Was there Modi wave?
- Modi wave? We don’t see any Modi wave anywhere!
- It was an anti-UPA wave. [Not even anti-Congress or anti-Nehru-Gandhi-Vadra wave]. Jab jawaar chadhati hai tab modi jaisee lakadiyaan to bah ke aayengee hee!
- [Do whatever possible including smashing the camera but not agree that Modi turned into a wave]
Question: Did anti-corruption movement cost you?
- We did the best in anti-corruption measure! We gave Lok Pal bill! [And yet the country is full of idiots who didn’t see sun in broad daylight!]
- If our anti-corruption record was so bad and people were so angry, where is Kejriwal’s party?
Question: Did steps like cracking down on Baba Ramdev’s supporters or censoring Internet go against your prospects?
- [Evade the question]
- [Blame Baba Ramdev’s story on Delhi administration and make it sound as if it was AAP government in Delhi then. Never speak of Internet censorship]
Question: Did your redefinition of line of poverty bite you bad?
- [Counter-question Gujarat model, despite the fact that the answer is complete evasion of the question]