According to a highly placed source speaking on the condition of anonymity, Indo-Pak relations are likely to be on the upswing once again. This news has come as a big relief to the ‘Aman Ki Asha’ brigade that had gone into severe depression after the dismal failure of the UPA’s ‘biryani diplomacy’ as well as the NDA’s ‘shawl and birthday diplomacy’. Our source tell us that despite their insurmountable differences, New Delhi and Islamabad have finally found an unusual ‘meeting point’, that holds great promise of promoting amity between the two countries.
This disclosure came during a ‘hush hush’ drinking session organised by our enterprising reporter in the safe environs of an MLA hostel on the last phase election day in Uttar Pradesh. After imbibing liquor (provided to us by a generous candidate), our source (hic!) revealed that Islamabad has agreed to New Delhi’s request for help in overcoming a problem that is bedeviling India. Expecting that the source was referring to the issue of cross border terrorism, our reporter asked if someone who specialised on this topic could be called in, but our source waved-off this suggestion with his trembling hand.
“In case you want to get in a specialist then I suggest you call someone clued-up in jurisprudence”, said our source (Since we don’t have any such specialists on our rolls, this ‘tell-all’ meeting continued between the two). With a pronounced slur in his voice, our highly placed source said that though Modi was confident of sorting out all other problems the country was facing, he had confided to Nawaz Sharif (after wishing him a very happy birthday during his surprise Lahore visit) about his abject inability to remedy the scourge of pending court cases in India.
According to our source, after taking permission from his higher authorities (Pakistan army chief), Sharif has given a green signal for sending his army officers to establish military courts in India. Our source dismissed our reporter’s concern that this move would undermine the judiciary and clarified that “While the Indian judiciary has impeccable credentials, it is the judicial system that is the problem. See how long it takes for court cases to be finalised. This move is not to belittle our judiciary but only for expediting finalisation of court cases!” Since what our highly placed source said made complete sense our reporter chose to keep quiet.
However being unfamiliar with ‘military courts’ our reporter asked as to how this proposal would help, to which our highly placed source replied, “our legal system has two major negatives; one, that a suspect is deemed innocent till proven guilty and second, that confessions given before the police are inadmissible in courts. So, how can you convict someone who refuses to confess before the court?” He then went on to add, “See, even though military courts in Pakistan don’t accept confessions made before the police, they have evolved a ‘unique procedure’ whereby suspects ‘willingly’ confess their crimes in court!”
To buttress his claim the highly placed source told our reporter , “ Are you aware that as per the statement issued by Inter services Public Relations (which is the Pakistan army’s mouth piece) until December 2016, out of 144 people convicted by military courts in Pakistan, 135 of them had ‘confessed’ to their crimes? With a whopping ‘confession rate’ of more than 90 percent, we have to give these military courts their due credit and once military courts composed of Pakistan army officers start functioning in India, the entire backlog of nearly three crore court cases would be cleared in just two to three years!”
Though some people have criticised this move, the Modi government has nothing to worry about since it has received overwhelming support from an unexpected quarter. Pakistan apologists who otherwise pilloried Modi for violating India’s traditional policy of appeasing Islamabad have welcomed this move as a positive step. These self-appointed envoys of peace and brotherhood are ecstatic with this unexpected development.
Speaking to Faking News, ex- diplomat, turned politician, turned ‘peacemaker’ Money Sinker Ire said “Now that Indo-Pak relations are going to improve, dedicated people like me can resume our efforts for working out ways to increase people to people contact by and create better mutual understanding.” He told our reporter that this was an extremely exhausting job involving ‘India bashing’ on Pak TV shows, shedding crocodile tears during lit fests and seminars, attending events like gazal-nights and ethnic food festivals. Mr Ire concluded by saying, “Since the predominantly communal dispensation currently in New Delhi is has scorched the sensitivities of the tolerant Pakistani establishment, it devolves on
opportunists men of conscience like me to recompense by humiliating India and for this I have no regrets!”