Tuesday, 24th April, 2018

In Samajwadi party manifesto, laptop distribution is solution for all problems

31, Mar 2014 By shikshit ganwar™

In a press conference in Lucknow today, Samajwadi Party revealed its manifesto for national elections.  The manifesto contains key insights on various national policies and explains what SP intends to do if voted to power. For most of the problems, laptop distribution is given as a solution.

Final solution.

Armed forces will be strengthened by giving laptops to army personnel, according to the manifesto. “If the soldiers have laptops, they will be able to watch various Mithun Charkravarty and Salman Khan movies. They can even watch Chinese martial art movies or South Indian hyper-action movies. This way, they will be utilizing their time and learning new fighting techniques. This will make the defense forces strong.”- is the reasoning behind this.

Additionally some strong leader, like Raja Bhaiya or Mukhtar Ansari, will be made defense minister. “People who had been made defense ministers by Congress makes me laugh, I mean these guys have not even done a simple kushti fight, must not have even killed a rat, defense minister should be someone strong,” said Mulayam Singh.

To improve relations with foreign countries, laptops will be distributed to ambassadors of those countries. These laptops will also have photo of PM and India’s map, daily using these laptops will remind them that it’s free and hence affect them subconsciously. This will increase goodwill of the country in the world. Additionally laptops with similar features will be given to visiting head of states.

To tackle terrorism in border areas, laptops will be distributed there. “Terrorists are able to recruit people by giving them guns. If we already give laptops to them, they will be busy in web browsing and using Facebook, becoming terrorists won’t tempt them much,” explains the manifesto.

If voted to power, SP will also release all the people incarcerated on terror charges and will give them government jobs. “Many of these people are falsely incarcerated and even if a few really did something, putting them in jail is not a solution. Giving them jobs will bring them into mainstream society, we want to rehabilitate them,” explained MSY. “Even Dawood Ibrahim would not have thought about becoming a don, if he was given some good government job or an election ticket, because he would have been able to make a lot of money here itself,” he further added.

“What about people wrongly jailed on other crime charges,” one reporter asked. An angry MSY responded, “Don’t you see, we are already doing a lot for their empowerment, most of the people we gave tickets are from this community, it is only people on terror charges who are left till now.”

Previous governments kept changing portfolios of their ministers frequently, this used to cause a lot of disruption in government work, that is why SP manifesto contains name of a few ministers in advance.

Ram Gopal Yadav, Shivpal Singh Yadav, Dimple Yadav and Akhilesh’s 5 year old son will hold Home ministry, Railway ministry, Health ministry and sports ministry respectively. They will hold these posts for full five years to provide stability and do uninterrupted work, and they will not be removed irrespective of whatever happens, because SP does not believe in holding the government accountable for anything.

“Government does not do wrong; it is the people who do. Holding government responsible for anything will cause failure of administration that is why we did not support Lokpal bill, even though almost every other party supported it. Ours is a party of principles,” explained Mulayam Singh.