New Delhi. In times when modern medicine has been actively discouraged with insane taxes, Harmdev has come to the rescue for the government-made viral epidemic of anti-nationalism. Previous methods like sending quack diagnosed anti-nationals to Pakistan for curative treatment was deemed as not cost-effective by the government. Plus, it was seen as something out of sync with the Make in India initiative. One of the BJP (Bharatmaki Jihadi Party) personnel tweeted “Why send them to Pakistan when we can Break in India? #breakingisthenewmaking”. Harmdev has been on a success streak when it comes to devising new most awaited asanas, only recently he provided the bhakts with JulianAsan so they can fake leaks better than ever.
Daesh bhakt Harmdev elaborated that he has a multi prong strategy designed according to the degree of infection with anti-nationalism based on research pulled out of his axilla. For those who seem to be mere carriers of the virus and who may not be actively spreading it, there is Patanjali’s new product “Behead and shoulders”, that works like a vaccine. For the active anti-nationals with no hope of immediate cure, there is a cutting edge (pun intended) Asana called Nara-bali Asana that cuts off the infected person’s head. He claims this aasan when forced on an anti-national can function, both as a curative treatment as well as vaccination (if the video of the said Asana is released on YouTube) for several of the passive anti-nationals exposed to the anti-national virus via the media. These Asanas will be carried out at subdivision offices of Patanjali which may be called Katanjali or Bali-anjali. New clinic cum brand stores called Chopper’s stop were inaugurated dragging a large Bhakt audience for the first look. They’ll be exclusive centers for implementing this strategy. Integration with tongue choppers is also rumoured.
However anti-piracy activists have come strongly against Harmdev this time, alleging that he has merely rebranded ISIS’s strategy into Yoga form. One of them said to our Fakingnews reporter, “We do not expect that Harmdev will admit this act of piracy because that would mean that the rising Hindutva intolerance is merely inspired from the middle east, where people are stuck in middle ages. Notable is how he is ready to admit that his work is inspired from ancient India, but not from the medieval middle east.” While leaving, he blurted out “katal ki nakal ke liye bhi akal ki zarurat hoti hai”, and “desh bhakti is being rebranded as desh bhakti”.
When the sanction by the infantile ethical committee was brought into question, citing the obvious lapse in ethics around technically killing the patients, as opposed to the oath of “do no harm”, Harmdev came back in defense, “See, we respect the constitution and the Indian Law, but if it were those barbaric times where Manusmriti was the law of the land, when beheading wasn’t such a big deal, we could exercise this with much ease. We are planning to work around this law, maybe if the government could fund me a little more and people buy more Patanjali products, we could fund the modernisation of the ancient Indian science of joining the beheaded head back to the body after teaching it a nice lesson in Yoga and nationalism.”
Meanwhile real experts allege that the real anti-nationalism virus is actually a myth and while the rising anti-nationalism actually resides within the people running this nation and their allies. What is viral is not the anti-nationalism but the projection of these human rights violating ideals onto humanists and just regular people who don’t share the delusion that this country is a goddess and those running it are saints.