Wednesday, 21st March, 2018

Government to be run by National Moodometer (NaMo)

28, Oct 2016 By Amarendra Sagila

New Delhi. Having seen the chest-thumping reaction of the nation to surgical strikes, it is reliably learnt that the BJP government has decided to let national mood dictate all actions of the government. As a result, a device, called National Moodometer (NaMo), is soon going to take control of the reins of the government. The device gauzes the mood of the nation and recommends an appropriate action that would score the most brownie points from the majority of voters.

Unknown to all Indians, NaMo (not to be confused with Narendra Modi) has been running the government for quite some time. Contrary to popular opinion, it was not Modi or Manohar Parrikar who was the brains behind the strikes. The action was recommended by NaMo. It was the moodometer’s suggestion to tacitly allow the browbeating of filmmakers who made films with Pakistani actors.

Modi angry with Moodometer
Modi angry with NaMo (National Moodometer)

The device takes advantage of Big Data and other latest technologies to tap into the public mood. State of the art analytics software will then pore through the gazillion bytes of data, mostly from social media. Not even the silliest comment, on the remotest website, by a Bhakt, AAPtard or sickular can escape the attention of NaMo. Though the device was being tested for some time by the BJP government, it is the surgical strike recommendation and the subsequent favorable reaction all over the country that convinced the party fully about its worth.

The Prime Minister and senior party leaders are so confident now that they have decided to leave all the decision-making to the device. The device has an auto-pilot mode, which when activated, will take control of the Executive. To put it simply, NaMo will rule the country. The Prime Minister’s Office (PMO) initially wanted the device to ease the burden on the PM and rid him the daily nuisance of taking silly domestic policy decisions. The PMO and the PM wanted to concentrate all their energies on Modi’s foreign visits.

“Desperate circumstances warrant desperate measures. The spectre of China is looming large over India and we have to act. Modi has to travel to as many countries as possible and become BFFs with as many heads of state as possible. India has to get into NSG first and then the UN Security Council. The PM can’t be burdened with silly domestic issues!”, responded one PMO official on strict condition of anonymity.

However, senior BJP functionaries seem to have gotten greedy. Having seen what NaMo can do, they want to exploit it to win the 2019 General Elections. “Not even the minutest action of the party or the PM goes unnoticed. Sickular media is always waiting to jump on us. An innocuous suit cost us the Delhi elections!! What more can I say? It feels like walking on eggshells. We became very afraid of taking any decision or making any statement. We don’t want to repeat 2004 when we lost after the Shining India campaign. We want to get rid of the scope for human error this time. That’s where NaMo will help us. The party needs NaMo badly if it wants to win the 2019 elections!”, said a senior party functionary.

For many, it came as a revelation that even the BJP government could not escape the fear of taking decisions. If not for NaMo, it would have gone the same way as UPA 2 which was marred by policy paralysis. However, BJP seems to be convinced that a machine has better judgement than anyone in the party. Political parties across nations and centuries always tried to pander to popular opinion. However, the moodometer simplifies it and seems to be more accurate and effective.

“NaMo is the zenith of democracy. It took hundreds of years for modern democracy and parliamentary system to evolve, from the days of Magna Carta. NaMo heralds the beginning of a truly democratic era. NaMo takes decisions according to popular opinion on social media, which makes India democratic in the truest sense. Now, Indians can celebrate Diwali every day.” said a senior BJP leader.

However, skeptics wonder whether nonsense from jobless and crazy pseudo-intellectuals on social media can be cumulatively considered as public opinion. Even if it indeed is, does the government have to pander to it? “This is crazy. The country will go to dogs. We will prove Churchill right”, said a critic.