Monday, 23rd October, 2017

Five tips to Kejriwal on how to face the next slaps

14, Apr 2014 By manithan

Delhi: There has not been a day, when Arvind Kejriwal is not in the national news. He was in the news channels for the protests, he was there for the Delhi elections, he was there for the Lok Sabha election campaigning and now he is there more for the ink spills & slaps he face from the aam aadmis. Ironically, it is the aam aadmis targeting this aam aadmi party leader.

So, we at Faking News, have decided to provide 5 tips to Arvind Kejriwal on how to face the future slaps he might receive:

Tip Number 5: Learn Karate. Taekwondo. Judo. Kalari. Kungfu. Or simple, learn fight from Bollywood movies. Use it against your slapper.

This tip is by far the most toughest and hardest one to implement. Kejriwal will have to first control his cough, then his breathing, then his mind and then has to learn these fighting skills. Martial arts are always a saver, but in this “Get a slap a day” trend, it is hard to learn such fights. Though he can watch movies of Jackie Chan or even the Karate for Kids movies like “Karate Kid”, the time period is too low for him. So, we give this a 4% chance that he might use this tip.

Kejriwal posing after beating the shit out of the person, who tried to slap him
Kejriwal posing after beating the shit out of the person, who tried to slap him

Tip Number 4: Unable to do offensive, do defensive. Bow down, when you sense a slap is nearing and it will hit your neighbors for sure.

How many days is the leader going to face the music? Why not his followers? Why not his comrades? When Kejriwal senses that someone is about to slap him, he can bend down or duck so that the slap falls on the cheeks of the one standing next to him.

It is for sure that Kejriwal himself would have desired to slap Somnath Bharti for his midnight raid, Ashutosh for his spelling mistakes and Prashant Bushan for his referendum remark. Since he had faced much opposition from within his party, he cannot do it on his own. Better achieve it this way. So, we give a probability of 7% that he will use this tip to avoid being slapped.

Tip Number 3: Show your other cheek to the slapper, if you are slapped on one side.

Yes, this one will increase his support and votes. And he will be loved by Christians too. The whole North East will be under the AAP’s helm then. But, he should make sure that the slapper remains alive after the first slap. The slapper will be slapped everywhere on his body by peaceful followers of Kejriwal. A good probability of 12%, because he might use this at occassion to prove his secularism.

Tip Number 2: Grow beard. Do not shave for months. The slap will never reach your cheek.

Grow beards like “respectful” Osama Bin Laden or Hafiz Saeed. Or better have one that is of more spike. That way, the slap cannot reach your cheek and also, there are chances the palm of the slapper is injured when you have spike beard. The slapper has to then eat and clean his ass in the same hand, which is the biggest punishment.

There are less chances that Arvind will adopt this tip of ours, because, he might be abused by Modi-fans as lookalike of Afzal Guru and will make him look like anti-nationalist. So, a probability of 18%

Tip Number 1: Wear muffler. Make sure it is thickest one. This is by far the easiest to implement and harder to look awkward tip for Kejriwalji. He can be in his own comfort and can even deny police security for him. Arvind should choose a harder material of cloth to be worn as muffler. Wool is a better choice. The idea is that the slap, even the most hardest and strongest will be felt by Kejriwal as pat on the cheek. To the cameras, it will be like the slapper appreciating him. Mufflers with nails are a good weapon to puncture the veins of the slapper. Though, we had given five tips, we thought of giving one extra special tip for the love that we share for the esteemed, true, uncorrupt leader Arvind Kejriwal . If he had been a woman, or if the slapper had been a woman, then we would have suggested to fall in love with the slapper. It is what happens in most of the movies. Be it the hero or heroine, their love starts with a slap. Even there are duet songs which has starting music to sync with slap sound. But, that option is not viable now. So, our special extra tip is:

Make a high five. When the slapper extends his hand to slap you, exercise your reflex to make sure that your hands meet his hands and make it look like a high five. It will show a image of aam aadmi friendly Arvind Kejriwal to the paid media.

Kejriwal attempting a high five . Not sure, whether he sensed any slapper nearby.

Let’s take a look at some other extreme slaps. Do not try this at home or school or workplace or with Arvind Kejriwal.

This one from our very own Tamilnadu: