India’s first AAP de-addiction centre opened last week, in the tree-lined avenue of Kaushambi, Ghaziabad. Faking News reporter met the Director of the centre (name withheld on request) to know his views on this social problem, its affects its victims & society in general.
Our reporter was specifically told not to ask any questions as the patients undergoing rehabilitation did not like anyone else asking questions, other than themselves. Readers would need to judge the questions from the answers given.
A: AAPism is a rough world to deal with. It can hit anyone; rich, poor, young, old, businessman, journalist, unemployed. This addiction causes a suspension of logic, a severe impairment of rationality and changes the victim’s world view to a very narrow, conditioned perspective.
A: We have many cases where normally sane & rational people got addicted to AAPism. They went out with friends to have fun, came across this new fad in town, got impressed by the black & white world AAPism conjures up, the novelty of wearing a topi, carrying a broom and a guilt free opportunity to break laws, Cock a Snook at the authorities. But one fling was enough for them to become addicted.
Some others, who were facing failure in their respective careers, in politics, films, business or journalism, some unemployed who wanted to do something with their time, many social climbers, some even thought of doing something for society or the country. It takes all kinds.
A: AAPism has three stages. In the first stage, it is all fun. Like all addictions, AAPism feels like freedom in the beginning; freedom to mock, abuse or attack anyone, high and mighty, without logic, context or construct. It is an expressed manifestation of rebellious instincts fuelled by inability to deal with the claustrophobic, suppressed grind that we call everyday life. I have heard a part of the song beginners sing, it goes like this:
कौन कहता है सूरज पॆ कलंक नही लग सकता, एक इल्ज़ाम तॊ तबियत सॆ उछालॊ यारॊ.
Second stage brings physical dependence upon the props (sleeping with the broom or carrying stones in pockets even when on a date), craving for damaging something (Street light if nothing else is handy) and loss of control over logic. In this stage, it is normal for a person to say something, mean something else and do something else altogether. The casual fun has now become a habit and it has enslaved the victim.
Third stage brings mental confusion and is delusional. The higher level of addiction deludes the person to view the world with a reversed, inverted outlook. This psychological myopia makes the victim believe that the world is at his mercy even when reverse is true.
This stage made one victim believe that by naming their bicycle as Nano, he could wreck Tata Motors business model. Another one thought that crashing Windows 98 in her own PC would bankrupt Bill Gates. Third guy had eggs thrown at him but he believed that the crowd was requesting him to protect the rights of hens. The delusion causes the victim to think that world would find it difficult to survive without him.
A: Recovery & Recuperation is a two stage program which takes 49 days. While for obvious reasons, we can’t tell you the exact treatment process, it involves convincing the victim that AAPism is not a stigma, is curable by building a strong support system of family & friends and providing confidence to them that the world would not treat them with derision or disdain when they begin a new happy life without their addiction. One interesting piece of information, though, is that most victims develop an aversion to AAPism when they are asked to make sense of the tweets of a famous journalist turned AAPian.
A: Our business model being reactive, the addressable market is dependent upon spread of addiction. We have a team of spotters watching TV news endlessly, identifying new geographies where we can expand. We have some field operatives too who do surveys about sales of brooms & caps to assess market size in the targeted geography.
A: We have plans for inorganic growth by launching de-addiction centers for secularism, casteism, poverty tourism & nepotism.
A: My advice to the parents & family would be; prevent this addiction to come to your loved one’s life. In case it still does, we are there to help you.